SATURDAY IN THE PARK

by Dennis Hensley

In the interest of summer fun, our intrepid reporter visits four Southern California amusement parks with four up and coming comedians. The results? A couple mild cases of nausea, some good eatin’ and a vertible rollercoaster of laughs.

How much amusement can one man take?

SCOTT SILVERMAN AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

(He’s 27, obsessed with cars, and heterosexually challenged. Meet up and coming comic Scott Silverman who’s agreed to accompany me to Universal Studios in Hollywood. We’ve just parked the car and we’re on our way to will call when we spot a Miada with a gay-friendly pink triangle bumper sticker.)

When you see a pink triangle on a car, do you catch up to see what they look like?

Yeah. But just to see what they’re driving.

What cars would completely turn you off?

I swear, I wouldn’t judge a guy by the kind of car he drove. I know that sounds crazy. Two of my boyfriends didn’t even have cars.

What car would cinch the deal?

A Mazda RX7 Series 3, a Porshe Carrera 4 or an Acura Integra.

Listen, it’s the L.A. Law theme. We only wish it were the mid-80’s.

I know. We’d be rich and on cocaine.

What was your best theme park experience?

I went to Disney World with my friend Margaret Cho a while back and we had our “Velcro Buddies.” They were these people assigned to do everything for us for four days and they would just bring us to the front of the line and people would boo and throw things at us. It was heaven. We did not know how to do anything for ourselves after that.

If they were dwarfs, what would their names be?

Happy, Efficient and Easy On the Eyes.

Now they’re playing the theme from Quincy.

How do you recognize it? That is so random.

(We join the Will Call line.)

What are you up to now?

I’m doing Out There 3 on Comedy Central and then I’ve got a lot of college shows stacked up which is cool because they get my Gen X humor. They understand when I say that I have a crush on the lead singer of Soundgarden.

I know you’re also big on Hole. If you had to babysit Frances Bean Cobain, how would you entertain her?

I’d probably go, “Oh you’re so cute,” the entire day because she’s a little cherub, isn’t she? I heard she looked at a picture of Jesus and went “Daddy!” Because Kurt does have a resemblance to Jesus.

Or at least to our perceptions of what Jesus looked like. I bet he was attractive. A homely guy would never have had that kind of following.

Exactly. And he probably had a great body and never worked out. He had all that beautiful blonde hair and great bone structure. He was a Waspy looking Jew. My favorite.

Do fans ever come on to you?

Occasionally. Once, there were these two boys and one said, “We were just wondering what it would be like to sleep with you.” I said, “Have you ever slept alone.? It’s very similar.” It’s true.

When did you start getting into comedy?

Three and a half years ago. When I was still in college, I was speaking to classes about being gay and making a big joke out of it, because most of the kids had bad experiences with their parents. Mine was so positive, I decided to share it.

When did you tell your parents?

I told my mom five or six years ago at Art’s Deli. They had known already. Aparently it had been a family issue for years. Now, they’ve have much more of a gay lifestyle than I ever could manage.

When I first called to set this up, for some reason the publicist was adamant that Universal be called a Family Attraction and not a Theme Park.

Yeah, but listen to all the themes weve been pummeled with. And we’re in a park so so much for that theory.

(We approach the blase’ Will Call receptionist who informs us that we are not on the list. She turns us away suggesting I call my editor to straighten it out.)

It’s all about Hollywood and their ubiquitous lists. That always happens to me. It must be some karma I have. And it’s usually the person’s mistake but they get snotty with you immediately. Did you see how that girl’s attitude just snapped.

(In a hallway sporting posters from Universal’s latest films, we find a phone.)

Major Payne, Billy Madison, Schindler’s List. Even though it’s a year and a half old, they keep Schindler’s up there as if to say, “See, we make good movies too.”

The movie that blew me away was the PBS adaption of Tales of the City. It just absolutely rocked my world because I live in San Francisco and I love those books.

(I make a few calls and we return to Will Call confident that we’ll have better results this time. Sure enough, the receptionist, who has undergone a major attitude overhaul, gives us our tickets and a blue VIP card which allows us to go to the front of the lines. We thank her and head for the Tram.)

Could she kiss our asses a bit more?

It must be hard to keep one’s girlish figure eating all of that humble pie.

(We pass a store selling Star Wars paraphernilia. Scott wants to have a look.)

Were you into Star Wars?

I was really into but I wasn’t into Star Trek. I’ve dated boys who Trek. My friend Benjamin is able to pick up on all the mythological undertones that I just don’t. I don’t care.

My biggest fear is that I’ll die and find out being a Trekker was one of life’s richest experiences.

Right. That that was the religion that everybody was into.

Look, it’s the car from Knightrider. What’s your take on Kitt?

Well, it’s a Pontiac Trans Am so I can’t get that big of a hard-on for it. I liked it when it first came out but, of course, I was 12.

If your Integra could talk, what would it say?

My car’s probably a big prima donna by this point with the way I’ve treated it so it would probably be pretty demanding.

(We board the Tram for the Back Lot Tour and our guide, Al, welcomes us.)

Al: No smoking of anything because I know you better than you think I do.

He looked directly at me when he said that. He’s very blase’ about this tram tour. I think he’s done it before.

Al: If you look to the left, you’ll see the house where Jessica Fletcher does her gardening on Murder She Wrote.

How would you feel if you were Jessica Fletcher and everywhere you went people died?

Very self-conscious. Why can’t they stick her on the O.J. case for God’s sake?

(The tram pulls into a soundstage designed to look like a San Francisco subway station. We realize this is the “Earthquake” attraction when everything starts to shake.)

Please, this is nothing. Where are the car alarms going off? I think there should be a “Scott and Margaret in Bed the Morning of the Northridge Earthquake Ride” with the two of us tangled up in sheets and falling out of bed. That was a ride. She was lying under a window so I jumped on top of her because I didn’t want the glass to fall on her. Chivalry is not dead. It’s just gay.

(We pull into another soundstage where the King Kong extravaganza unfolds.)

Look how pissed off she is. Honey, I can relate. Sometimes I want to go grab me a couple of handfuls of bridge and just yank.

AL: King Kong is the biggest animated creature ever built.

Nu-huh. I have dated so many animated creatures bigger than that.

(We drive by some cars from the Flinstones movie.)

Al: The Flinstones is Elizabeth Taylor’s first movie in twelve years.

If she croaks tomorrow, that would have been her last movie. How sad is that?

If I were her, I’d get into production ASAP. I would not want that as the last entry on my resume.

I think we’re coming to the part where Jaws jumps out at the tram.

Scoot over, I want to stick my hand in that shark’s mouth. Oh my God. Jaws is so old. He needs a walker to get up onto this side of the tram. He’s got no teeth. It’s all gums. It’s so sad.

Al: This is also the area where you see Angela Lansbury riding her bicycle on Murder She Wrote.

That woman is all over this studio like cheap wallpaper. We cannot get rid of her. She’s riding around. She’s gardening. Who is her publicist?

We’re going to that avalanche tunnel used in The Bionic Woman. Did you dig Jaime Summers?

I did actually. I really felt like I knew her. This is like a hallucination on crystal meth. Are we actually tilted over or is it an optical illusion? This is nauseating.

(We disembark the tram and head for a 50’s diner where they serve us deliciously greasy burgers and fries in cardboard T-Bird convertibles.)

Leave it to me to find a restaurant that has cars.

Of course, you hope that there’s more fries under the hood, but there isn’t.

Just like an American car. Oh my God, a show.

(A quartet of white bread harmonizers come out, hop in a parked convertible and start singing “Earth Angel.”)

Oh God, I hate 50’s music.

Do you suppose they’re backstage before the show arguing over who gets to ride shotgun?

The brunette in sunglasses is so phoning it in.

(We polish off our burgers and we’re off to check out the Backdraft attraction.)

With all the goop in my hair, this Backdraft thing could be very dangerous.

Oh my God, Scott, I lost the blue VIP card. It must have fell out of my pocket.

I am so disappointed. I want to weap. I was getting so all up in “Oh, I don’t have to wait in line. I don’t have to be in the sun.”

Will you ever forgive me?

It’s like we lost the golden coupon. We are going to get ejected from the chocolate factory any second now.

The line’s not that long anyway and we can talk about your recent trip to Australia.

I was in Sydney for three weeks for the Outrageous Comedy Festival and I had an affair with a cute boy named David from New York. We had a great time but he lives in New York and I live in California. It was a shipboard romance, just like on The Love Boat.

How are Australian audiences different than American audiences?

They’re a little less enthusiastic and they don’t get irony really well. They like it when you’re loud and vulgar.

Which of your jokes worked best over there?

The leather daddy joke.

Where you talk about overhearing your S & M enthusiast roommate carry on in the next room.

Right, he’s going, “Who’s your daddy?” Slap. “Show me that asshole.” So I just burst into his room and shoved a mirror in his face.

What material didn’t they take to?

They were a little foggy about the Nicole Simpson riff where I talk about how as more pictures of her come out, she just looks more and more beautiful.

For someone who wasn’t a model, she had a hell of a portfolio.

She did, man. She was just gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. And I tried to impart that to them over there, but they don’t get O.J. Simpson. They just thought it was more crazy American violence.

(We enter the first room of Backdraft, where they show us a short primer video and scold a fellow guest for lighting up.)

Smoking is prohibited inside of Backdraft? Isn’t that the entire point?

(Then Allison, our perky Backdraft guide takes us into the main exhibit where an entire factory goes up in flames before our eyes.)

We should make s’mores. Quick, get me a marshmellow on a stick. I’m so glad my hair’s under a rag.

(Next up is Universal’s latest and greatest ride, Back to the Future.)

If you had a time machine where would you like to go?

I’d go to the early 80’s in Los Angeles as myself but a little older so I could enjoy the benefits of being 21 in 1981. Going to see Duran Duran and doing cocaine and just having a great time. Total Bright Lights Big City.

As a car freak, what did you think of the DeLorean?

Too square, too American, too boring. And it wasn’t that fast. If you’re going to build a sports car, build a sports car.

(We’re lead by workers in Hawaiian shirts down a long clinical hall to our faux DeLorean.)

Why is all the help wearing Hawaiian shirts? I don’t remember McFly going to a luau.

I don’t know and I don’t understand this whole West Wing thing. This is like going to the gynecologist.

So is the challenge of this to save the universe?

I think it’s to keep down our lunch.

(The ride begins. Our car takes off chasing a the bad guy’s van and then bursts through a giant clock.)

Oh no!!!

You know we got more than five mile per hour bumpers on this car.

Huey Lewis is on the sound system. Care to comment?

I want a new drug. That’s all I can say.

(We fly into an Arctic landscape of snow and glaciers.)

God, I bet triple A doesn’t make it our here.

Aaah!

This is just like driving with me.

(We zoom out of the Arctic and into the prehistoric era, where a hungry looking dinosaur salivates over our DeLorean.)

I’d love it if we got eaten and died.

Are we going to get shit out?

(We do get eaten, but the dinosaur must be bulemnic because he regurgitates us immediately. After a few more thrills and spills we end up back at the gynocologist...er, Time Travel Institute, safe and sound.)

I loved that ride.

That was pretty nifty. When are they going to do a ride where you’re on the deck of the Lusitania when it was toorpedoed?

That’s what I want to see. People rushing to get into lifeboats. Let’s get the hell out of here.

Can we go see The Flinstones? I’m craving a little musical comedy.

(Scott agrees begrudgingly and we find ourselves in a ampitheatre bearing witness to some of the worst Stone Age puns ever like “New Kids on the Rock”, “B.C. Hammer” and a Star Search-esque emcee named “Oliver Stone.”)

Oliver Stone should sue.

I get embarassed doing my own job. Could you imagine if I was running around in a Barney Rubble outfit? I really respect these actors. They really are dedicated to their craft.

(We watch the whole show and are disheartened to learn the entire plot where Fred gets discovered and becomes a star was only a dream.)

It was like that whole season of Dallas where Bobby Ewing didn’t really die.

I know. What a disappointment. It’s so like, “Don’t follow your dreams because they’re not real.” That was a pretty bad example to set for the kids of America. Right now the whole cast of Flinstones is back there rating the audience like stand-up comics do. You know Oliver Stone is back there going “Fuck them, they were dead.”

Will you ever forgive me for The Flinstones?

It’s going to be a really long drive home, Dennis.

KATHY GRIFFIN AT 6 FLAGS MAGIC MOUNTAIN

(30 year-old actress/comedienne /redhead Kathy Griffin learned to vogue for Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful and had to pick up Bruce Willis for Pulp Fiction. Today ,she may face her toughest challenge yet; accompanying my ass to Magic Mountain.)

The last time I went to Magic Mountain I got sunstroke so I can’t wait to go back. Where did you and Silverman go?

Universal Studios.

Did you go to the Country Star restaurant? That’s horrifying. They call you a “Little Lady” whether you’re a man or a woman.

I bet all the waitresses are named Reba.

They pretty much shove Reba down your throat at that place.

Which is the best place for her.

Right down your throat, where she belongs.

(We exit the freeway in Valencia.)

We are dangerously close to the Melrose Place set. We should just park in Amy Locane’s old space.

(A giant white rollercoaster appears on the horizon.)

I think that’s the Colossus.

All I see is a big bottle of Pepto, that’s what that represents to me.

(We enter the parking lot and pass a woman in day-glow orange pointing people into their parking spaces.)

This woman has not a good job. I feel very lucky right now. Oh my God, look at the people. I didn’t think the people would be here. This is what I call nightmare out the gate.

(Once in the park, we realize we made the fatal mistake of coming during spring break and elect to drown our sorrows with some lemonade.)

Mmmm. Please give the lemonade a good write up.

Done. So, do you ever read Detour?

Love it. I saw your Robert Downey Jr. billboard on Sunset Boulevard. That is so much more of his ass than I wanted to see.

That picture is so Kitten with a Whip with the pink feather boa. He’s like a young Ann Margaret now.

(Kathy stops walking to dig in her pocket.)

I’m freaking out. This guy that is my latest victim, he wrote this really sweet note and I lost it. He’s going to find it under a condom in his apartment. This is the most disgusting guy I’ve ever gone out with. He doesn’t bathe. He doesn’t even sleep on sheets. He sleeps on the mattress pad. This is me this morning, “Have you ever even heard of Bed, Bath and Beyond?” But I just had to have him. He’s so hot.

What did the note say?

“You shouldn’t dump me because we like each other and there’s too many things we haven’t done. We haven’t gone to a movie yet and I haven’t spanked you yet.”

Are you into getting spanked?

So into it, but only if I’ve been naughty. I mean, I have to earn it. He’s like, “How am I going to know when to spank you?” and I go, “When I stick my ass up in the air.”

We’re now approaching Samurai Summit.

So far, we haven’t done anything that we couldn’t have gotten at a 7-11.

You don’t see people with post Log Ride wet pants at 7-11, though.

No. AM/PM you do.

Who eats the hot dogs at AM/PM?

Like that guy I’m going out with, guys like that.

Ninja. That looks like a manageable line.

Should we try Ninja?

Let’s. Tell me about your E.R. episode while we wait.

It’s the season finale directed by Quentin Tarantino. I play a cub scout chaperone opposite George Clooney, resident dreamboat.

Do you have any gross surgery scenes?

The only thing that’s gross is that all the kids have diarrhea so the little actors will be fake puking all over the place.

Will you be doing anything to help them vomit?

I will be flashing them inappropriately all day long. I love sexual harassment so much, but I constantly am the harasser. When I taught at the Groundlings I used to fuck my students all the time and I was constantly almost getting fired. The administrator would be like “I’ve gotten calls from people that think you’re having an affair with one of the basic students.” I would just constantly be like, “No. That would be inappropriate. These guys, you just look at them the wrong way and then all of the sudden, you’re fucking them.” And then I’d call them and go, “Look you fucker, don’t bust me or I’m taking the pussy away.”

You worked with Tarantino before on Pulp Fiction. You were in an Oscar nominated film.

I carried that film. I’m riding the Tarantino coattail as long as I can hang on.

Are you in the new movie he’s producing, Four Rooms?

Yeah. I play the concierge of the hotel. It’s a great part and he wrote it for me.

How did you meet?

He did a guest appearance in the Groundlings and we all went out afterwards and I made out with him that night which I know is not an unusual thing, for an actress to make out with Quentin Tarantino. I never fucked him, but I love the way he kisses. When I was sort of seeing him, we were constantly running into girls he had dated ten minutes ago. It’d be like, “Hi, this is my date from four o clock.” “Hi, I have the dinner window.” But he is really fun to go out with because we just go to movies. When Sleepless in Seattle opened I asked all my snobby comedy friends to go and they’re like, “Kathy, we only go to independent lesbian films.” The next morning Quentin calls me, “Want to see Sleepless?” We go, we have a great time. So I take him to go see Untamed Heart, my favorite film of all time.

Did he cry when Christian Slater buys the farm?

Like a baby. I just looked and him like, “Nobody gets beyond the tears of Untamed Heart. Nobody.” He was like, “I can’t believe Adam died.” I said, “I know. Can you believe they took Adam from this earth, the fuckin’ hottest busboy ever?” My friend Julia Sweeney had Christian call me on my birthday. I died. I go, “Adam?” and he goes, “No, Adam had to go,” and then I had nothing to say to him. He was very nice but I didn’t want to talk to a fuckin’ actor. I want that busboy and I want him now. I don’t care what animal his heart is from.

What movie based on a TV show would you like to be in?

Zoom and I would want to play Tracy, my favorite Zoomer. My confirmation name is Kathleen Mary Tracy Griffin. I bucked the whole Catholic system because there’s no Saint Tracy and I said, “Either you can let me be named after my favorite Zoomer or I’m leaving the religion.”

This Ninja line is taking forever.

It’s basically like going to the bank. All day long.

I love that Kenwood commercial where you recite the lyrics to “Play That Funky Music.”

I’m doing another one and this time I’m going to be on the hill going, (dryly) “The hills are alive with the sound of music.” I did a Pepsi commercial with Shaquile O’Neill two weeks ago. I have never seen an organism that big in my life. His ass is the biggest ass I’ve ever seen and my face was right in it all day, because that’s where my face came to. I’m not saying he is not a smart man, but I am saying that he is a man of few words and they’re not very carefully chosen. But he was very nice. He actually decided to be playful during one of the takes and pick me up. You don’t know what he’s going to do as an artist. He’s just inspired.

What other commercials have you done?

K-Mart. Degree deodorant. I was the Beef Council mom but I was fired because I was too foxy. They said, “Nobody would buy you as the mother of three.”

Do people recognized you from them?

They recognize me from K-Mart because I stand in front of the store and point to myself.

(Finally, we board Ninja.)

My bosoms are being pressed too hard against this. My rack is suffering.

Here we go!

Oh shit, I just remembered I hate these. Aaaah! You fucker, Dennis. I hope you’re happy. You have ruined my day. People must vomit here all the time. It’s nothing but a glorified vomitorium. It’s a vomitorium with lemonade.

(After surviving the Ninja, we stop for chicken club sandwiches at the Four Winds restaurant.)

Well, it’s no Souplantation.

Oh, I love the Plantation. To me, that’s an amusement park. When it is pesto day, I am as happy as any person throwing their arms up on a roller coaster. The first-timers all have this conversation. “You know, it’s not just a lot of food, it’s good. And it’s good for you. And you can just keep getting Diet Coke refills and they don’t even care. They encourage it.” You join them on their discovery of the many levels and colors of the Souplantation.

I understand you’re also a fan of Court TV.

I’m so torn between Terry Moran and Dan Abrams. Terry’s lips alone, I can’t tell you the fantasies I’ve had about what those lips are capable of. And then Dan came along and shook my love for Terry. After that, as far as who I’d fuck in the trial, Ron Shipp. He’s the cop who said he can’t live with Nicole’s blood on his hands. He is nothing but integrity and a fine black ass, my two favorite qualities in a man.

Would you do Kato?

Not only would I not do Kato, but if I ever see him, I’m going to slap him in his filthy aiding and abetting a murderer face. He should have to be the pointer in the parking lot here for all eternity. Are you picking up on the sexual tension between Marcia Clark and Christopher Darden? Just keep an eye out, that’s all I’m saying. When she goes up for a sidebar, she kind of works her butt a little bit and he gets a little flustered. I see chemistry. Sue me.

Did you ever try out to be on Saturday Night Live?

Yeah, but I got burned. I had a meeting with Lorne Michaels and the person who set it up said, “Don’t perform. He just wants to get a sense of who you are.” We had a ten minute conversation. I’m kind of being funny but not trying too hard. Then like six months later, they’re hiring new girls and the same people who were pushing me were like, “Okay, Kathy Griffin.” and he said, “I passed on her a year ago.” He never saw me perform. He passed on me based on a ten minute conversation. So Lorne Michaels, you can kiss my ass, you fucking asshole.

But aren’t you glad you didn’t get on the show considering the way things are going for you now?

I really am. But for years, it killed me. It was the hardest kind of rejection that I ever had, because I had years of The Groundlings people saying that’s going to be you’re thing and it didn’t happen.

I think our waiter’s sexually intimidated by you.

He’s so up my alley. I like a young waiter with hormones racing. I thrive on men’s Oedipus complexes. I count on them.

What are the telltale signs?

They call me “Mommy.” That’s a dead giveaway. They stab their eyes out is another.

What was it like working on Medusa: Dare to be Truthful with Julie Brown?

I had so much fun because I got to be a dancer and nothing makes me happier than being in a room full of sweaty queens.

Is it true you just signed with a new manager?

Yeah, I think I’m going to go with Gallin/ Morrey. It’s so great because they say things like, “I’m not going to bullshit you,” and then they bullshit you. Or the other one is, “Kathy, I’m not going to lie to you” and then it’s followed by a lie. I have the big meeting and I say, “You know what the bottom line is boys? I literally could not be represented by enough gay men.” You walk up to Gallin and Morrey and they just totally will be like, “Who wants to be a star today?” and I cannot get enough of that. So that’s how they got Griffin. That’s how they hooked the big fish.

What are their plans for you?

I already have a development deal offer from Paramount. My dream is to do a stand-up special on any cable channel that will have me. I really want to do Hot Cup of Talk as a series. Hot Cup of Talk is an alternative stand-up show where each comedian comes on stage, sets a timer for fifteen minutes, they tell stories, and they can’t be made up stuff or hacky premises like airplane food. Ideally, it’s like going to the living room of a friend who’s really funny.

How do you respond to people who call that kind of comedy self-indulgant?

To me, funny is funny no matter what the topic.

Is there any topic you won’t discuss in your act?

I don’t do like poo poo jokes but I definitely do sex material that is way more graphic than anyone would ask. I can see the audience going, “Kathy, we don’t want to know about that.”

(We exit the Four Winds and find ourselves at the base of the Free Fall ride.)

Want to go on that?

Not after the chicken club. This ride is so absurd. Let me see if I understand this correctly. They take you to the top and drop you.

Why don’t we go on The Scrambler. There’s hardly any line.

The Scrambler, the most vomit inducing ride. Let’s do it. We should ask another couple if we can sit with them and then inappropriately press next to strangers.

(We jump in our Scrambler car. Steve, the teenage ride operator comes and secures our safety bar.)

The Scrambler man is F-I-N-E.

Do you think carnies are sexy?

Of course, they are. They’ve got the tattoo, the dirty T, and a bottle of Jim Beam in the Capris.

It’s very Two Moon Junction.

Oh, do not start me on Two Moon. First of all, I call it Two Moon. That’s how many times I’ve seen it.

(The Scrambler starts scrambling.)

AAAAH! Somebody just hold me! I just need a hug. Am I smashing the fuck out of you?

Sort of.

STEVE: Yell if you want to go faster!

(The other riders yell.)

Fuck you! If I whisper, will we go slower? I’m sorry for all those things I said about Six Flags! I take it back!

If we die on here, what will the headline be?

“Another Freak Accident Takes Hollywood Hopefuls.”

(The ride ends and Kathy rushes into the unsuspecting arms of young Steve.)

I was so frightened. Hold me. Where were you I needed you?

(Steve comforts her awkwardly, then we walk away.)

See, that’s my subtle way of letting a man know that I’m interested. I press my breasts into his chest.

We’re on a roll. I say we go on the Atom Smasher.

A ride that’s so lame the children are playing with the turnstile to amuse themselves.

I love that sixteen year old blonde named Brandy is in charge of this equipment.

It’s the safety inspector from Sweet Valley High.

(We board the Atom Smasher and Brandy advises us that if we feel sick we should, “place one hand over your mouth and the other up in the air,” which a young girl behind us does after about 30 seconds.)

I hope we have someone puking.

If we go backwards, it’ll be me.

(Brandy starts the ride again.)

Okay, I’m doing a little bit.

(Kathy covers her mouth with one hand and thrusts the other skyward. An irritated but concerned Brandy hits the brakes. A bitter mom behind us mutters “This is ridiculous.”)

Oh God. You guys, I do not feel good. Hurry! Could you please hurry!

BRANDY: Are you okay?

Yeah, I just have to get out. Where’s the exit? Where’s the exit?

(Once we’re a good 20 feet away, I applaud Kathy’s performance.)

I should put that on my reel. If I didn’t threaten to puke, we would have been on that thing all day. I saved your ass.

And Brandy saved yours.

I have to say, Brandy was more of a nurturer/caretaker than I thought she would be.

Well, part of me thinks we’ve done enough.

Dennis, all of me thinks we’ve done enough.

I say we have a look around Gotham.

And then we have a look around the parking lot to find our car. How’s that? Because I hear it’s an hour and twenty minute wait to get on Batman.

For that kind of investment, Val Kilmer should come to your house.

(We tool around Gotham, stop for some delicious funnel cakes, then head out.)

Do you find it hard in Hollywood because you don’t fit any “type?”

Yeah, I live in between the cracks. It’s forced me to become a self-starter because they always say, “We don’t know what to do with you.”

“Well, you could start with a good spanking.”

Right. First I get whacked right in my ass. My incredibly hot ass.

KAREN KILGARIF AT DISNEYLAND

(24 year-old comic and former Gap goddess Karen Kilgarif has had a busy month. She appeared on Bob Hope’s Young Comedians Special, she taped her first pilot and today, she’s got to tend to her “shopping disorder” at the Happiest Place on Earth.)

Yuck. We’re parked in Kanga.

Let’s move the car.

Who’s Kanga?

It’s from Winnie the Pooh.

Here’s my theory on why this is the happiest place on earth; there’s a certain amount of happiness in the world that never varies, it only changes hands, so whenever you come to Disneyland they drain you of whatever happiness you have.

I think it’s true because the last time I was here was Grad Night and it was just hellish. There were 63 people in my class and everyone was so bored with each other. We were up all night long and my shoes were too small and we were sleeping on benches and all pissed off. The lines were really long and all the bad girls in my class were on coke. I’m sure it made their grad night so much better, they’re grinding away on the tea cups. I think the band Cameo was playing.

Word Up.

Oh, it was just torturous. I think high school has to be totally disappointing if you’re going to succeed later on.

(We purchase our tickets and the cashier asks if we’d like our change in cash or Disney Dollars.)

Do you understand the concept of Disney Dollars? Isn’t that redundant?

They’re just saying, “Give us your money now because we’re going to get it anyway.”

(We enter the park and start down Main Street U.S.A.)

I can’t believe how commercial this looks now. I’m not buying any of it. God, is that Cinderella’s castle? Did I grow like 8 feet?

What happened? It’s so depressing because I feel like I could go up and kick it over. I can hear the squeak of the styrophone from here.

She didn’t do a very good job of keeping up with the Jones’s, did she?

She thought that medieval thing would always work and she was so wrong. This is really interesting, the way it seems now. You get a picture of Disneyland in your mind, from like the first time you saw it and to see people here that look like punk rockers, or that look like me, is weird. I want to go home.

Let’s go by the Carnation store. My friend that works here says they pump fake candy smell into the street to attract customers.

Let’s get an ice cream to start us off. We should have a Super Fancy Day if we’re going to do this at all.

Ugh. Even the line for ice cream is endless.

The first time I was here was my fifth birthday and it was incredibly magical. We got those big suckers to take home and I remember eating part of it and then regretting it so much because Mickey’s face was perfectly on it but then I had to have some and it wasn’t that good. Then I had to eat the rest of it because it was just sitting there. My sister kept hers perfect, of course.

I think Mickey Mouse is a strange choice to be king of all the characters.

His voice is too high, he has bad diction and he’s not powerful or anything. He’s kind of a sap.

I think he’s pussy-whipped too.

You know Minnie’s all over his ass with those big shoes and the purse. I think Minnie’s endearing because she has good accessories.

Plus Mickey and Minnie don’t have the history that some of the other character’s have. Like Aladdin, we know he comes from the streets.

That’s real life. And he’s Middle Eastern. Finally, they’re represented.

And Jasmine, a tough, yet feminine princess.

Who stands on her own two feet. Hi, 1995. She’s no Cinderella. No female character that they would create today would ever stand around and let mice solve their problems.

I’m stoked for Pocahontas. She looks a little like Cher circa 1975.

They should do a “Half Breed” number in it.

I’m going to pass on Mickey’s Marshmellow Krispie. He’s taking credit for everything.

He did not bake those. Do you think he spends one minute in the kitchen here? No. I want a chocolate frozen yogurt.

I’m having the “Cookie Delight.” Yogurt, hot fudge and a giant cookie.

When I say Fancy Day, you step to. You’re not going to hold back.

You may have to help me with this.

Oh, I’m all over it. You don’t have to worry about a thing.

What else do you remember about your first trip here?

Being permanantly damaged by the Pirates of the Caribbean. I scared the holy be-jesus out of me. I thought the pirates were real. And we got in line for another ride and I thought that we were going on the same ride again so I walked away and I got lost for like 3 hours.

(We take our treats out to a bench on Main Street.)

The yogurt’s good. It was worth the four day wait.

Look, a marching band. They’re all like grown men with grandchildren and pension plans.

I wish they’d play “Lovin’ Touchin’ Squeezin’” by Journey. That’d be awesome.

One thing I like about Disneyland is that they don’t have those games of chance where you throw you’re money away on useless crap.

Like a stuffed snake.

You should be able to win like Rubbermaid products at those booths.

Or even better, if they had an Ikea booth. You could win lamps and stuff you need. There’s some sorority girls. Hey, you guys! Haze me!

Isn’t it remarkable that there are people in this world that those girls can make feel bad about themselves?

That was a big part of why I hated college so much because I wasn’t a sorority girl but there were really no alternatives. Look, there’s the weasel from The Lion King. I haven’t even seen The Lion King.

I didn’t like the morality of it. I don’t buy the idea that this little brat is born better that everyone else and is like the king automatically. It’s the same principal behind Prince Charles.

And sororities. There are certain breeds that are better, that’s what it says.

Do you know what “Hakuna Matada” means?

I used to. Doesn’t it mean “Back off?”

The magic chalkboard says it’s 70 minutes to get on the Indiana Jones ride.

Let’s do it.

(We join the Indy line in Adventureland.)

I saw your Bob Hope special the other night. Congrats.

Thanks. It was really awesome. I was totally shocked that they picked me.

I was told to ask you about the cake episode.

Okay, all day long Bob Hope would be humming just to show that he’s alert because people would watch him and they wheel this cake out at the end. We’re taking photos and I’m standing to his left and Phyllis Diller’s standing to his right and then he just reaches forward keeping a straight face and with his finger and just yanks out this big piece of cake and without looking at her, holds it in front of Phyllis Diller’s face and she has has to suck the cake off his finger. Then he puts his hand down, he’s still humming, and without missing a beat, he does it with his other hand and holds his finger in front of my face.

Oh my God.

I had no choice. I had to do it. So I sucked the cake off Bob Hope’s finger.

What did it taste like?

Waxy. It was so sickeningly delicious that I had to walk away after I did it. That’s going to be my headshot, sucking Bob Hope’s finger.

Did you consider refusing?

I wasn’t going to make those people think that I didn’t get the joke. And the opportunity to do a bit with Bob Hope, as dirty and demeaning as it may be, it was still worth it. It was such a funny thing for him to do after all day long seeming like my grandmother in a convalescent hospital. It was cool. And also, in front of comics you don’t want to be standing there like, “What? I don’t get it,” and run away like a girl. You have to get it.

What did you think when you watched the special?

I had a party at my house, but I didn’t think about how stupid I would feel doing that in front of all these people until it was actually happening.

Did you cringe?

Oh yeah. The part where we’re sitting around the table, they completely cut in all those parts where I was laughing so I’m laughing at things that I’m not really laughing at. Like somebody tells this kind of mild anecdote and it cuts to me and I’m laughing my ass off, like I throw my head back and it’s so fake, and I’m like, “Oh my God, people are going to think I’m crazy.”

You also just filmed a pilot called The Real Thing.

It’s like a pre-Mad About You. Dan Cortese and Ally Wentworth from In Living Color meet and as the show progresses they’ll be falling in love. I played her kooky best friend, of course.

What’s Dan Cortese like?

Once you can stop staring at his eyes, he’s like a normal guy. He’s a guy’s guy. He always wore Nike sweatshirts.

Which you know he didn’t pay for.

Oh, you know he’s fully underwritten. He said on Melrose Place they would only let you do your line one time and if you got all the words right, they’d go, “That’s fine, we’re moving on.”

There’s a surprise.

I lost weight during rehearsal because I always ended up sitting across from Dan at lunch which is hard enough anyway because he’s just gorgeous and then it’s just impossible to chew because he tells stories so I’d wait until he looked away to chew and eventually I would get really tired and stop eating.

Who produced the pilot?

NBC Productions. It’s the same crew as Friends and it has a similar look.

Who’s your favorite Friend?

Matthew Perry. I’m not going to jump in the David Schwimmer camp. He’s good and everything but it’s like a craze.

It’s like rooting for Miss Texas.

Well, fine, if that’s what you want to do. But also, I watch the show and I think Matthew Perry is just the king of bitsville and I want to support him. I totally have to go to the bathroom. I’m hungover. It feels good, my bout of early morning alcoholic gastrointestinitis. That’s nice at the happiest place on earth.

This ride will snap you out of it.

I hope it doesn’t scare me like The Pirates of Pensance, I mean the The Pirates of the Caribbean. Well, Pensance was scary too. I mean, Rex Smith.

You’re from Petaluma, CA, the same home town as Winona Ryder. How does that make you feel?

Fat. People always brag that they took the bus with her but I didn’t because she went to public school and I went to private. It was Nonie Horowitz then.

Do you have a fitness regimen?

I’ve been drinking water like a fiend. I knew I would eventually probably end up taping something for television and I didn’t want to be the Wendy Jo Sperber character so I joined Gold’s Gym and I’ve been ten times since January 1st. All I’ll do is walk on the treadmill and stare at the clock.

How did you get into comedy?

When I got kicked out of college, I realized that I would have nothing else to do and I thought that it would be a really good way to get into acting without having to be an ingenue or a model and it worked! My evil plan worked!

We’re almost there.

This is cool because didn’t you always want to be in that movie when you saw it? I just loved all the shit that was like hidden under the ground and the tricks that Indy knew. He’s a man’s man and yet he reads books. And Harrison Ford’s just as hot as a pistol and when you’re thirteen, it makes you crazy. I used to love the part where the girl wrote “I love you” on her eyelids.

Who were your teen idol heart throbs?

Scott Baio. My sister and I used to tape Joanie Loves Chachi and scream when we would watch it again. The Italian guy thing, it drove us crazy.

Were you down with Eddie Mecca from Laverne & Shirley?

No. Too old and he sang. The Big Ragu was a show-off.

Do you have a beau now?

No. I decidedly don’t, but I’m in love with Elijah Wood? Is that gross? Is that wrong? I hope he doesn’t turn into one of the Corey’s.

(With that, we take off on the state-of-the-art Indiana Jones ride. We conquer snakes, spiders, giant rolling balls and full baldders and come out the other side feeling like archeological mavericks.)

That ruled. It makes the ride more exciting when you have to go to the bathroom. There’s a whole other level of tension.

What was your favorite part?

The big rolling ball because I can’t stand being chased or having to get away from something big.

In terms of the movie’s plot, you have to wonder what kooky natives went to the trouble to handcraft that big ball?

I know. Just to booby trap their precious maybe five pound gold head. It’s not that good.

Let’s check out Toon Town.

If I had to move somewhere in Disneyland, I’d move to Toon Town. I‘d get a loft here. I should write down the pay phone number and call back and ask, “Is Minnie there? She told me to call her at this number.”

(On the way to Toon Town we walk down the route where people are waiting for The Lion King parade.)

I feel like the parade’s for us. “Thanks everybody! I was on the Bob Hope special. Now, I have bangs.” My hair’s so fucked up on the special. My dad said, “It looked like you were wearing a little black hat.”

If you hit it big, what’s going to be the recurring theme of your tabloid coverage?

Hopefully something about being a crank addict.

What exactly is crank, misspelled crack?

It’s crack misunderstood. No, I think it’s really bad speed.

(We leave Toon Town and make our way to New Orleans Square’s Cafe Orleans where I have the srumptiously eco-friendly clam chowder in a breadbowl and Karen has the equally yummy croissant sandwich.)

What Disney character would you like to be?

The Little Mermaid. She has good songs and spunk and pretty red hair.

If you were going to be sexually harrassed by one of the characters here, who would you want it to be?

Tigger. No, too weird. Oh, that manly man from Beauty and the Beast. That’d be awesome.

What are your favorite Disney movies?

The Apple Dumpling Gang. You can’t miss with Don Knott’s and Tim Conway. All the Shaggy D.A.s were breathtaking.

They should make a 90’s-era sequal, The Shaggy Crack Dealer.

The Shaggy Pimp.

The dog’s driving a pink car.

And he wears wierd scarves and fur coats. Pete’s Dragon was good because it was a combination of live action and animation.

And it had Helen Reddy who walked that line between both.

She was all things to all people, an animation crossover actress and a singer and a woman.

If they had had Entertainment Tonight back then I’m sure there would have been a segment with her singing against a blue screen.

Totally. And she would have been up on the fly thing giving an interview talking about the wackiness of it all.

(Sated and happy, we make our way back to Main Street.)

Damn. We missed The Lion King parade.

Good. I didn’t want it to ruin the end of the movie for me.

Can You Feel the Love Tonight?

No. But I feel like buying something.

(Karen disappears into the Disneyland Emporium where she purchases a snazzy Minnie Mouse watch.)

I need a watch because I’m constantly late and I wanted something that wasn’t especially big and chunky but not like a slim line feminine weirdo watch that makes you look really big boned. I might have to get a coffee mug. It’s just that desperation of “I can’t leave if I don’t have a coffee mug.”

(Karen picks up a jumbo mug at the last store we pass.)

Mickey has his hand on Minnie’s tit a little bit on my mug. That’s why I’m buying it.

Didn’t you used to work retail?

I worked at the Gap for a full year. I would be doing sets at night and then have to go to work the next day. It would be so depressing. Customers would say, “Didn’t I see you at the Improv last night?” and I’d be like, “Yeah.” “Great. Can you get me these in a size 8?”

Remember when The Gap wasn’t cool at all?

Oh yeah. My sister and I used to laugh when we would walk by and try to push each other in.

(We find our car in Kanga and hit the road.)

We can listen to my special mix tape on the way home. The best is to make one when you like somebody and you would give it to them if you had the balls or if you’re mad at somebody you like and you can put really bitter songs on it. Then you can name it something like, “Go Fuck Yourself.” which is what this mix is called.

Any reflections on your day at the Magic Kingdom?

I was hungover at Disneyland. Cute.

GREG BEHRENDT AT KNOTT’S BERRY FARM

(Comedian, musician and Anna Nicole-Smith fetishist Greg Behrendt, 31, has been on TV twelve times. Does that make him just too cool to enjoy the down-home charm of Knott’s Berry Farm? We’ll see.)

The last time I was here I was on mushrooms. We went to Disneyland and got caught by the Disneyland police with pot so we got kicked out . Somehow we navigated ourselves over here to Knott’s and I don’t remember anything about it. This is many years ago.

We’re not even parked in a character. We’re parked in “Picnic Center.”

They should just make up characters. Flippy the Picnic Basket; a big prosthetic walking basket and the guy’s super bummed. If you’re like Leghorn Foghorn here, or whatever that thing is called, do you think they say, “Someday, if I work my way up, I’ll be a Goofy.”

I’m not even sure what the Knott’s characters are.

They probably have really lame, bottom of the barrel characters like Kathy, Ziggy, the Energizer Bunny.

And try to get that bunny to hold still for a photo. We’ll have to take pictures with Kathy.

She’ll be greeting us at the gate, eating donuts with her In Box full and her Out Box empty. I hate Kathy so much. I bet she’s a shitty lay.

Good, it’s not very crowded.

There’s fifteen people here. At the Disneyland parking lot, if you think about pot, they send out a security guard and you can get a clean needle here.

(We check out a store window to try to get a handle on the Knott’s characters.)

Wait a second, isn’t that Mickey Mouse?

And Heckle and Jeckle. Heckle and Jeckle aren’t even nice. They’re really confused here at Knott’s.

They’re having an identity crisis. Knott’s is ike the Jack in the Box of amusement parks. Jack in the Box will put any kind of food on that menu and they’re such fair weather friends when it comes to that clown. “Let’s blow him up. No, get the back.”

“No, get rid of him. No, get him back but he talks and he’s wearing a suit.” I auditioned to be the voice of the head and the lady goes, “You have to act.” And I go, “Okay” and she had me read and she goes, “Excuse me, but have you ever been in front of a camera? This isn’t just a voice over. You’re Jack.” and I go, “You know what? I’m outta here.”

(We buy our tickets and enter the park.)

Just think, this was just a place to get jams and jellies and then somebody said, “What goes good with jam? Rides.” The celebrity sighting level is going to be low here too. I think I’m it.

Well, you have been on TV.

12 times.

When do you quit counting?

If you do a Letterman, you stop. Mine’s all cable so you gotta count.