couldn't have come up with three more diverse vaginas if they tried,"
remarks Dr. Beaverman as she, Lauren and I stand in line to pick up our tickets
for The Vagina Monologues at the Canon Theater in Beverly Hills. Though
countless A, B and C level actresses have turned up in the show worldwide, I
don't think I'd trade the cast we'll be seeing tonight
"Soap" Helmond, Daphne "Melrose Place" Zuniga and Naomi
"I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day" Campbell
the tea in China.
know what I want to see?" I say as we take our seats. "Katherine
interviewed on Extra going, 'Well, I've always wanted to work with Daphne Zuniga
and Naomi Campbell but the right project never came along.'"
fantasy is the veteran, Katherine, was reluctant to share the stage with the
untrained Naomi," theorizes Lauren, "but then the producers said,
'What if we sweeten the pot a bit with Daphne Zuniga?' and she said, 'Where do I
brought my lady friends to the theater tonight to celebrate their birthdays.
Lauren turned thirty-one two days ago and Dr. B will be forty some-odd years old
tomorrow, though she's not too keen on reveling in it. In fact, the only reason
I know it is her birthday is that a postcard from her dentist reading 'Happy
Birthday Tooth You' landed in my mailbox instead of hers.
I was an undergrad at Berkeley, I started to write something similar to this but
I was too busy chasing after rock stars to get very far," says Dr.
Beaverman. "It was like The Vagina Paragraph."
a second," Lauren says. "You were a groupie."
yeah, but I never cared for that term," says Dr. B, "I prefer slut.
Some day I'll tell you about what I got up to backstage at Live Aid, but suffice
it to say that Huey Lewis is not the happy-go-lucky guy he pretends to be in
videos. There's a dark side."
and Huey?" I say, pantomiming a dirty act with my fingers.
she says. "But I had a couple of the News so I was around, you know."
and I take a moment to consider this latest wrinkle in the tapestry of my
neighbor's life. I'm in the middle of asking for more details when the lights
begin to dim. I pull my cell phone from my coat pocket and explain to the girls
how I promised Marcus I'd call him during the show. "He wants to hear Naomi
Campbell say vagina with an R at the end," I whisper, dialing his number in
my Nokia, "but he doesn't want to pay for it."
he's going to pay for it," maintains Dr. B. "We all are."
then, our ladies take the stage, the lights come up and the show begins...but
there's no Zuniga. What the fuck? Oh great. Looks like we've got ourselves a
no-name understudy who I bet has never even auditioned for an Aaron Spelling
show, let alone headlined one.
disappointment is obliterated, however, when Naomi starts into a Vagina
Monologue in which she repeatedly uses the term "coochie-snorcher."
Dr. Beaverman looks over to my lap and nods. I press the green 'send' button on
my phone then aim the mouthpiece toward at Naomi who, I'm happy to report, still
has a good five coochie-snorchers left in her. At the end of the monologue,
Lauren leans over and says, "I'll be right back," then disappears up
don't see her again until ten minutes after the show when she emerges from the
ladies room, her brow furrowed in frustration.
you okay?" I ask.
I am," she mutters. "Let's get out of here."
second we're outside, Lauren starts ranting, "Leave it to me to get my
period during The Vagina Monologues," she carps, "and not one of the
women that came in after the show had a tampon, though one woman thought they
might have some for sale at the souvenir stand."
didn't see any," I say. "The just had key rings and T-shirts and
bright red coin holders that you squeeze."
least you're not pregnant," says Dr. Beaverman. Based on the casual way she
says it and her just-revealed groupie past, I can't help but wonder if "At
least you're not pregnant," has been a mantra to her over the years, a catch-all
rationalization, good for anything that ails you. Getting audited by the IRS?
Having your house burn to the ground? Dentist says they have to come out? Well,
at least you're not pregnant.
ended up getting something from Naomi's publicist," Lauren continues.
"I ought to send him a thank you note."
was holding Naomi's purse," she explains.
is going to love this story," says Dr. Beaverman.
my God," I gasp. "I never hung up with him." I pull the phone
from my pocket and discover that I've just left Marcus a barely audible,
forty-five minute message, all about pussy. He'll be thrilled.
I'm glad someone got to enjoy the show," says Lauren.
don't see the girls again until a week later at our screening party for Pretty
Woman, a film Matt chose because with Erin Brockovich just out in England, Miss
Julia Roberts is hotter than ever. Matt figured a look back at the movie where
we first fell in love with her would be in order. And make no mistake, I am in
love with her and her inimitable Julia-osity, no matter what transpires in my
living room today.
wonder if Erin Brockovich saw this when it came out and thought, 'I should dress
like that whore'," I say, looking down at the mini-skirted, rubber-booted
Julia on the video box.
could be a whole vicious circle those two got going," says Dr. Beaverman.
is the last guest to arrive and when I open the door I can see why. He's gone to
the considerable trouble not only to bake a chocolate cake —
with white polka
dots in honor of Julia's dress from the polo scene
but also track down a
publicity photo of Daphne Zuniga and tape it over his face with Daphne's cut-out
mouth replaced by Marcus's own. He steps into the living room and presses 'play'
on a mini boom box, then begins lip-syncing to one of the many Vagina Monologues
left on his machine by Daphne's understudy and her cohorts. "I felt bad for
you guys that Daphne didn't show and that Lauren missed most of the show,"
he explains after shutting off the tape, "so I made a copy of my answering
machine tape. If you listen closely you can hear someone pass gas just before
the curtain call."
was the chair," says Dr. Beaverman.
I pop the Pretty Woman tape into the VCR, Marcus takes his usual position on the
floor and says, "I owe my law career to this movie."
we go," says Tony. "Another St. Olaf story."
of their long-winded similarity to Betty White's hometown reminiscences on The
Golden Girls, Tony and I have taken to calling Marcus's recollections of his
movie-going history St. Olaf stories.
was studying for my Corporations final, one afternoon," he begins, "and
my friend Janet calls and says, 'We're all going to see Pretty Woman. Wanna go?'
And I say, 'I'm studying.' She's like, 'Come on, it'll relax you. Plus, there's
all this law-related stuff in it like corporate raiding and white knights.'"
is?" I ask.
says Ross. "But no one in the audience cared. People just wanted to see
Julia and Richard fall in love."
cared," insists Marcus. "So anyway, I'm like, 'Okay Janet, you sold
me,' and I go to the movie. Next day, white knight is on the final and I ace
try grab the remote before Marcus can continue, but it's nowhere to be found.
"Fast forward to the bar exam," Marcus says, diving back in. "The
night before the test, you're supposed to do something relaxing so I see Pretty
Woman again. Next day, corporate raiding is one of the essay questions. I nail
it and pass the bar. All because of Pretty Woman."
a smattering of applause from the peanut gallery, I finally find the remote
my hand, of all places —
and press 'play.'
"I knew a theater manager in
Dallas," says Ross as we zoom through the previews of coming attractions,
"and he said there was this one little old lady who saw the Wednesday
matinee of Pretty Woman every week for a year."
what I've never understood," I say, "why women love this movie so
much. I mean, Julia's fabulous but she's a whore. Ladies, any thoughts?"
time you fuck a guy, you might as well be a whore," says Lauren flatly.
"So this is like our ultimate movie. And Julia gets to shop." Lauren
takes a breath and then dives into her own Pretty Woman memory. "The first
time I saw this movie," she starts, "I was with my brother who lived
in the Bronx at the time. We came out of the theater behind these two Italian
chicks with big hair. Guidettes, my brother called them. Then, as they were
crossing the street to get in their white Camaro, one of them stopped dead in
her tracks and said to the other, 'Oh my God, that movie was my life.' And I
thought to myself, 'No, it wasn't.'"
original script was much darker," Ross informs us. "It ended with
Richard's character saying, 'I'm not in love with you. You're a hooker!' and
then hitting her and dumping her back in the gutter. And then she dragged
herself up to her apartment only to discover that her roommate has O.D.-ed. Then
Garry Marshall was brought in to lighten it up."
the king of we-need-a-joke-here," says Tony, who held my hand through such
past Marshall yuckfests as Exit to Eden and The Other Sister. "You could
say to him, 'But Garry, it's the rape of the crippled child's mother?' and he'd
be like, 'What if before the gang banger rapes her he says, pull my finger?
How'd that test?'"
roommate's straight-outta-Brooklyn dees-dem-doze Garry Marshall impression is so
spot-on, I decide to ask Matt if it can have its own font, a nice New York
the movie begins, with a scene set at a hoity-toity Hollywood party in which a
magician does slight of hand tricks with gold coins. "This is supposed to
symbolize that Richard is a whore for money," explains Dr. Beaverman as
we're introduced to Gere's super-slick corporate raider, Edward Lewis.
"He's a whore for business with no feeling, whereas Julia's a sticky,
gooey, all-feeling person, who happens to be a whore. She's got the heart of
gold. He's got the heart of the gold standard."
up with the stuffy bash, Richard borrows a Porsche Lotus from his skeevy lawyer,
Jason Alexander, and speeds down the hill. Before long, he finds himself lost in
Divine Brown territory so he pulls over to ask the nearest hooker, who happens
to be Julia Roberts, dolled up in a blonde pageboy wig and sailor's cap, how to
get to Beverly Hills.
looks like the Captain and Tennille rolled into one unfortunate person,"
every john wants," says Tony, "a theme skank."
don't ask women for directions," says Dr. Beaverman. "That's how you
know it's a fantasy."
I'm sorry," says Ross, "but there are no whores on Hollywood Boulevard
who look like Julia Roberts."
there are," argues Tony, "but they're men."
hops in Richard's borrowed car and tells him that her name is Vivian. "From
the French root Viv meaning to live," notes Dr. Beaverman. "So she's
lively. She's got life in her, whereas he's dead Edward, as dead inside
as... " Dr. Beaverman struggles to complete her comparison. I keep waiting
for her to say "a doornail."
Osmond," offers Tony.
you," says Dr. B. "Yes, that's it."
deep-pocketed Gere gives Julia twenty bucks to get him where he's going. Julia
must figure he wants a little entertainment with his directions, because once
she's in the car, she jabbers non-stop about her hourly rate, the size of her
feet and the boys back home in Georgia she grew up with.
the only hooker in history seems to have had an okay home life," observes
Lauren. "No major abuse or dysfunction going on. It's like she just moved
to L.A. and had a really bad month."
seems like I saw an interview with Garry Marshall somewhere," recalls Ross,
"where he said Vivian had only been hooking for a couple of weeks so it's
still fun for her."
so new," says Tony as Garry, "no one's even come on her back
my friends, is why men like this movie," says Dr. Beaverman. "Because
they all want a whore, but they want her the first day on the job."
Julia and Richard roll through Tinseltown, Julia expresses her admiration for
the borrowed Lotus, cooing, "This baby must corner like it's on
sounds as convincing talking about cars as I would," says Tony, before
pausing the movie and regaling us with a story he swears is related, about the
time he was playing Danny Zuko in a cruise ship version of Grease. "One
night, the guy who played Kenickie was sick, so I had to cover the song Greased
Lightning," he explains. "Well, you know I don't know shit about car
parts so all I did was sing gibberish and say 'palomino dashboard' about ten
times. The audience thought I was having some kind of fit, most probably a
restart the movie in time to see Dick and Julia swap places so she can be behind
the wheel. "It's Driving Miss Daisy Chain," I remark.
our toothy twosome arrive at their destination, the swanky Regent Beverly
Wilshire Hotel in Beverly Hills. According to Ross, it's the only hotel in the
zip code that would allow the filmmakers to shoot there. "The rest claimed
that no one ever brought hookers to their hotels," says Ross. "Then
the movie turned out to be a huge hit, and the Regent Beverly Wilshire got all
kinds of business from it. I think there's even a Pretty Woman package you can
get with strawberries and cream and the whole bit."
it come with a body double for all the stuff you don't want to do?" wonders
Julia waits on the curb to catch a cab back to Hookerville, Richard approaches
and says, "If you don't have any prior engagements," Richard says,
"I would be very pleased if you would accompany me into the hotel."
I'm going to miss the free needle exchange, but what the hell," I say,
speaking for Julia.
tries to make her look less like a hooker by draping his trench coat over her.
Now she looks like a hooker in a trench coat.
addition to the sexual perversion level that this movie can be read on, there's
also a good deal of class warfare at work," says Dr. Beaverman.
"Here's where we get our first glimpse of the uptight, repressed,
conventional class of society who stare down their noses at our spunky American
heroine, Vivian. But Vivian will fight against them and we'll eat it up, because
Americans like their scrappy little fighters that stick their nose up at the
elite, horsy set. She might be a whore but she's still an American, and that
should be pronounced Ameri-CAN because she is, at heart, a good ol' capitalist.
She's Norma Rae in a g-string, basically."
take away the thigh-high rubber boots and it's basically The Beverly
Hillbillies?" I suggest.
replies Dr. Beaverman. "The Beverly Whorebillies, you could call it. This
movie is Frank Capra on Hollywood Boulevard, as populist as Mr. Smith Goes to
Washington. When it comes to class warfare, Americans will always side with the
lowest rung, even if you're a skanky whore, in fantasy anyway. Real life is
in tow, Gere approaches the front desk and says, "Can you send up some
champagne and strawberries... "
some extra-strength disinfectant and a two-pack of Brillo pads," adds Ross.
"Someone I know is getting a Silkwood shower."
and Julia arrive at their suite and bring with them the first penetration shot
of the evening when Richard inserts his key card into the designated slot.
can you jack the card in the lock?" says Tony as Garry. "Yeah! Fuck
her with the key in the lock. Make that light just light right up. Ha ha ha ha
inside, Julia proceeds to make playful small talk with Richard, though if I were
her, I'd be casing the joint for valuables and fretting about which ones this
john's going to want to stick in me. When Richard asks her if she's known many
lawyers, Julia replies, "I've known a lot of everybody."
though I've only been doing this for a week," says Lauren.
Marshall's like, 'Can you say I'm an all-entry gal? Ha ha ha ha ha ha,'"
want her to whip out a price list she's had laminated at Kinko's," I say.
Julia whips out an assortment of multi-colored condoms. Then, within minutes of
announcing, "I'm a safety gal," she proceeds to floss her teeth,
something any whore or circuit boy worth their salt would know is considered an
unwise thing to do before blowing a stranger. But before servicing Richard,
Julia once again demonstrates her carefree, goofy side by plopping down on the
floor and guffawing through an episode of I Love Lucy. "She's probably
wondering why a swanky hotel like this doesn't have color TV," figures
she blows him.
next morning, over breakfast, our lady of the evening peppers Richard with
questions about his work life and says insightful things like, "You must be
really smart, huh?"
want him to be like, 'How 'bout if you just fuck me and I give you money and you
don't give me career advise?'" says Tony indignantly. "'How 'bout
alert!" says Marcus. "Watch her hand, you guys. Julia's going to
miraculously switch from a croissant to a pancake." Lo and behold, she
the Lance Burton of breakfast foods," decides Tony.
comes the famous sequence in the bathtub where Julia belts her carefree heart
out while listening to Prince's "Kiss" on her Walkman. Though many
Julia-philes cite this as the moment she captured their hearts, I feel like she
could have brought the goofiness down a notch or ten and still been in a Garry
she's singing, 'All I want is your extra time and your kiss'," Dr.
Beaverman points out. "Yet both of those things are no-no's in her
profession. She never kisses on the mouth and let's face it, extra time is not
in your vocabulary if you're a whore. Time and a half, maybe."
a little haggling, Richard convinces Julia to be his companion for the week for
the tidy sum of $3,000. "The film's original title was 3,000," says
Ross, "but they thought it sounded too sci-fi."
this whore's entrepreneurial spirit," says Dr. Beaverman. "Like
Rockefeller and Carnegie, she cuts her own deals. She's a self-contained
muff-mogul and she doesn't deal with a middle-man. Unless she's making a john
sandwich with Laura San Giacomo."
is ten bucks extra," figures Tony. "It's like Super-sizing it."
seal the deal and as soon as Richard leaves, Julia lets out a girlish scream,
runs into the bedroom and flops down on the bed. "I think the idea of
lounging around all day is just as alluring as shopping and having sex with
Richard Gere," I remark. "I think people see Julia hanging out in that
hotel robe and think, 'Yes, that!'"
his absence, Richard has instructed Julia to go buy a cocktail dress for a
business dinner he plans to take her to later that night. So Julia heads to a
Rodeo Drive boutique staffed by gaggle of women who haven't had an orgasm since
the first moon landing, let alone delivered any. "You're obviously in the
wrong place," drones one of the women, whose CAA agent husband probably
left her for a bim just like Julia. "Please leave."
never bought the way the movie acts as though you'd never see anyone who dresses
like a whore in Beverly Hills," says Ross.
seen oil princesses on Rodeo Drive that make Julia seem positively demure,"
doesn't Goldie Hawn hang out there?" I ask.
demoralized Julia heads back to the hotel where she gets interrogated by the
hotel's manager, played by Garry Marshall's M.V.P., Hector Elizondo, who
coincidentally, questioned Richard Gere in his break-out turn as sex worker in
American Gigolo. "Hector should have a musical number," I say before
bursting into the Dr. Dolittle theme. "If I could talk to the
prostitutes... talk to the prostitutes... "
takes Julia into his office, where she bitches to him about her shopping
misadventure while fumbling with a big wad of cash.
like, 'I'm such a whore that I don't know from ones, fives and tens,'" says
Tony. "'I've just got a big ball. I don't own a purse or a fanny pack!'"
my fanny has been packed," I say. "Earlier today, in fact."
a matter of fact, that's where I keep this giant wad of cash," says Tony.
some very obvious Freudian symbolism at work here," says Dr. Beaverman as
Hector pours water onto a plant that is clearly not long for this earth.
"Nothing grows in that stifling atmosphere of status and money. There's no
life there. It's all desiccated and dried-up, whereas Vivian the whore, with
that hair sprouting all over, is nothing but life and passion and orgasms
waiting to happen."
Hector's help, Julia solves her cocktail dress dilemma, settling on a black
number with western fringe that looks like something out of Disneyland's Diamond
Whoreshoe Revue. "That's a cocktail dress only in the sense that it's what
Miss Kitty would serve them in," says Lauren.
you can't see is that she actually has on spurs," adds Tony. "That
jingle jangle jingle."
ten bucks extra," says Ross.
returns from work and walks in that super-sexy way that only Richard can through
the lobby. "I want him to be like, 'I'm looking for my whore,'" says
Ross. "'Has anybody seen my whore?'"
spots Julia, looking resplendent at the bar, then escorts her to the hotel
restaurant where they dine with Ralph Bellamy, whose company Richard plans to
had my first snails recently," announces Lauren as Julia tries to figure
out how to use the special escargot fork. "Delicious."
soaked in garlic butter is awesome," agrees Tony. "You can take a cat
turd and soak it in garlic butter and I'd probably eat it."
remember that for next time," says Marcus.
a whore that can untangle any kind of sex toy and implement ever invented,"
says Dr. Beaverman, "and she can't at least mimic Ralph Bellamy as he's
negotiating with the little snail tool. Not highly likely."
Bellamy leaves in a huff, Julia tells Richard that she thought the old man was
nice, not that Richard asked.
want her to be like, 'That geezer seems like he'd come quick,'" says Tony,
"just rating everyone based on what kind of john they'd be. 'And that
bellhop? I bet he pre-cums like nobody's business. Scratch that, it's my
in their suite, Julia and Richard's relationship continues to deepen when
Richard opens up to her about his fear of heights and hints that he may have a
few issues with his father.
you want to talk about it?" Julia asks him.
you want to fuck my tits then?" says Tony.
this scene shows, their edges are softening," says Dr. Beaverman,
"which means she's no longer going to sit on his important faxes without
wearing a panty-liner and he's no longer going to ask her to jam a ferret up his
back door. They're moving toward the center."
that night, Julia wakes up to find Richard missing in action, so she grabs the
phone and calls the front desk.
you have Prince Albert in a can?" says Marcus.
your elevator running?" wonders Lauren.
just a robe, Julia ventures downstairs to find Richard tickling the ivories in
the hotel's deserted banquet room. Before you can say, "Play that funky
music, white boy," he's hoisting her onto the keyboard and slipping her the
ass has perfect pitch, FYI," says Tony, who's done enough musicals to know.
do think this is a sexy scene," I admit. "I bet Garry Marshall was
losing his mind when he shot it."
like, 'Hey Richard, once you're inside her, can you play Chopsticks with your
balls!'" says Tony. "'Ha ha ha ha ha ha.'"
next morning, Richard takes some time off to do a little shopping with his
whore. While they stride down Rodeo, Julia spits out her gum and Richard says,
"I can't believe you did that.'"
me?" says Tony incredulously. "I mean, she swallows strangers' cum for money and he's shocked that she's a litterbug?"
arrive at a swanky boutique where Richard is greeted by Larry Miller, the
veteran character actor who was anally-penetrated by giant gerbil in Nutty
Professor 2. Coincidence? You decide. Then, while Roy Orbison's title song plays
in the background, we experience what I feel is the cinematic equivalent of a
sugar rush. Yes, folks, it's time for the Julia Tries On Clothes montage.
think for certain women this sequence is like mainlining," says Ross.
Mary Reilly had had a Julia Tries On Clothes montage it would have been a
hit," figures Lauren. "Of course, she would have tried on twenty of
the same frumpy black frock."
this scene also appeals to men," adds Dr. Beaverman, gesturing to Marcus
who is literally clapping like a seal. "And not just gay men prepping for
the bar exam. Straight men like it because he is controlling the purchasing. And
notice there's a lot of shots her from just the neck to the pelvic bone, a
disembodied object. Pretty woman, walkin' down the street," Dr. B croons.
"Pretty woman... just a piece of meat... "
want her to get in the mirror and pantomime sex acts as she shops," says
Tony, "like getting down on all fours. She's like, 'These pants really give
at the knee. I'll take 'em.'"
in a moment that was cheered in theaters, Julia stops back by the Bitch Boutique
to get her revenge on the hags who wouldn't serve her yesterday. "You work
on commission, right?" she taunts, her arms full of bags from other stores.
"Big mistake. Huge."
went crazy for this moment but I think the revenge is kind of weak," I say.
real revenge would have been to try on a bunch of outfits and then go, 'I don't
want any of that, bye'," says Lauren.
leave skid marks in the clothes," says Tony.
a romantic bathtub scene, which I spend the entirety of fixated on Richard
Gere's amazing Buddhist nipples, we're off to the polo match, where Julia wears
the brown polka dot outfit that, according to Lauren, looks good on no one on
the planet but Julia Roberts.
the match proper, our lovers take part in the traditional stomping-of-the-divots
ritual. "One word of advice," bellows the polo announcer, "avoid
the steaming divot!"
Marshall," Ross and I say in unison.
you say something about divots with corn in it?" says Tony as Garry.
Jason Alexander, AKA Senor Smarm, starts grilling Richard about the mystery babe
in the polka dots, going so far as to suggest that Julia might be a corporate
spy. "She's not a spy," Richard shoots back. "She is a
a hooker, standing in front of a boy, leaning against a horse, asking him to
love her," I clarify.
with this new bit of information, Jason crosses the field to Julia and says,
"Quite a nice change from Hollywood Boulevard. Maybe you and I could get
pisses Julia off to no end, though none of us can figure out why. "All the
sudden she's sensitive about her hookerness?" says Ross.
should be giving out business cards," says Lauren. "This crowd is the
networking opportunity of a lifetime."
back at the Reg Bev Wil, Julia rips into Richard for telling Jason that she's a
hooker. "I hate to point out the obvious," Richard spits back,
"but you are, in fact, a hooker."
living room, save Marcus whose cutting the cake, erupts in applause. "I'm
so glad that he calls her on her shit here," I say.
says Tony. "I'd be like, 'Did my check bounce, Vivian? Okay then, shut the
never had anyone make me feels as cheap as you did today," Julia whines.
for the guy that peed on me but that was by accident," says Ross.
bucks extra," says half the room.
spite of their spat, Richard soon admits that he's starting to have feelings for
Julia and that seeing her talk to another man at the polo match made him
more than a whore," says Marcus. "You're my whore."
the two of them make up. I'm not really sure how because Tony and I were too
busy fantasizing about what Julia's conferences with her high school guidance
counselor must have been like.
aptitude test shows that you'd be good at rimming," says Tony, taking on
the tone of my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Grandstaff.
stay away from triple penetrations because you scored low on multitasking,"
long, the couple end up back in the sack, which I have no problem with because I
find Gere's bedroom body language a total turn-on. There's something soft and
almost feminine about it makes me long to be in Julia's shoes. I can't imagine
some macho action star like Kevin Costner or Bruce Willis being one-tenth as
of which brings us, happily, to Julia's Opera Dream Date. The evening begins
with the untamed redhead sauntering out of the hotel room in a red velvet dress
looking super gorgeous but also a tad like Barbara Mandrell at the Country Music
Association Awards in 1983 with white gloves that don't match her dress.
mega-dapper Richard presents Julia with a $250,000 necklace he borrowed for the
night, then just as she reaches to take it, he snaps the red velvet box lid down
on her fingers. "Tell me that doesn't signify the vagina with teeth,"
says Dr. Beaverman as Julia laughs with abandon, "which is exactly what he
fears so very much."
box trick was actually an ad-lib on Gere's part," says Marcus. "Julia
was sleepy and he did it to keep her awake."
can't just do crystal like everyone else in Hollywood?" I ask.
it's off to San Francisco on a private jet for a performance of La Traviata.
Julia appears to be riveted to the onstage goings-on but I don't really buy it.
I can't help but think she wished she'd thought to bring the Jumble from today's
paper or a piece of string so she could regale her fellow box-sitters with her
renditions of "Jacob's Ladder" and "Grandma's Bra."
is crying at the opera always a sign that someone has crossed the line and is
now sophisticated?" wonders Lauren as Julia dabs at her eyes.
a season ticket holder to the L.A. Opera," says Ross. "I can tell you
that people actually cry."
like opera?" says Tony.
do you think," says Ross, "that I leave here and go to Hooters before
returning to my cave?"
just surprised, that's all," says Tony. So am I, frankly, but I'm glad I
wasn't the one to say it out loud.
me remind you of the famous quote, 'Sex is the poor man's opera'," says Dr.
Beaverman. "But Vivian doesn't have to revert to sex anymore. She's not a
poor man anymore. She's a lady. She's a bleedin' loverly lady."
lovers continue their Dream Date back in Los Angeles by playing chess.
saw one opera and wore flats. I can play chess now," mutters Lauren.
want her to grab the king and the queen and go, 'Look, they're 69-ing,'" I
get him to look away, and then pull a bishop out of her snatch," says Tony.
next day, Julia talks Richard into blowing off work so they can take part in a
woo-pitching montage replete with horseback-riding, adoring glances and barefoot
picnics in the park.
sequence is troubling," says Dr. Beaverman, "and not just because
Julia used the expression, 'Cop a squat.' It was the belief of Dr. Freud that
women, like children, drain men's energy and impede their progress in the world
which is exactly what Julia's doing to Richard by encouraging him to play hookey."
Beaverman's point is born out in the next scene which finds Richard passed out
cold, worn out from all the canoodling. Julia looks at him lovingly while he
sleeps. "It would be so funny if she put his hand in a bucket of warm
water," says Marcus.
then let him pee on her," adds Tony.
bucks extra," we all say.
been nickel and dime-ing him all week anyway," says Lauren. "You know
she's emptying the mini-bar everyday, sending Tobelrones to Laura San Giacomo."
her Web site is going to bill him $19.95 a month for the rest of his life,"
Richard wakes, they kiss on the lips for the first time and then get it on
again. This time, it's so mind-blowing, that the next morning, Richard tells
Julia he wants to get her off the street. He's basically offering to make her
the Fresh Princess of Bel-Air, but Julia gets all uppity and stomps out onto the
fake balcony. It's here that she lets fly with the fantasy she had as a young
girl where a white knight would come and rescue her from a tower.
do you want?" Richard finally asks her.
want the fairy tale," says Julia.
very words that men hate to hear," says Dr. Beaverman with a sigh.
"Men don't want Rapunzel. They want a whore and here she is turning out to
be just like every other damn woman he's ever met."
anyone else think she's not holding up her end of the fairy tale by being a
whore?" I ask.
Dennis," says Dr. Beaverman. "Julia has no initiative. She doesn't
want to go to school or open her own Color Me Mine franchise or become a
business person. She just wants to be rescued."
to strike a deal, Richard, whose business attire has been getting lighter the
more love struck he becomes, tries to get some work done but ends up walking
barefoot in the park instead. It's a wonder Garry Marshall didn't have him
literally stop and smell the roses. Meanwhile, Julia, dressed in a Fergie-style
jacket and shorts set from Talbot's, lunches with Laura San Giacomo who calls
her on her fairy tale delusions, saying that the only person it's ever worked
out for is "Cinder-fuckin'-rella."
heard that reference was a huge deal with Disney," says Tony. "They
were like, 'You will not put a dirty word in the middle of Cinderella.'"
'bout Poca-fucking-hontas then?" poses Marcus.
spend the next few minutes inserting 'fucking' into the names of well-loved
Disney characters. Our top laugh-getters: Tinker-fucking-bell, Cruella
De-Fucking-Ville. Mu-fucking-lan and my personal favorite, Annette Funi-fucking-cello.
on screen, Julia returns to her suite just in time to receive a surprise smarm
delivery from Jason Alexander. "What is she working on?" asks Lauren,
in reference to the notebook Julia's scribbling in.
Marshall asked her to write down any place in the script where she thought she
could put in a fart joke," figures Tony.
actually her gratitude journal," I say. "She's been reading Chicken
Soup for the Hooker's Soul."
Richard returns, he has to literally throw Jason off of Julia.
your own whore!" shouts Ross.
they do end up getting married, can you imagine her at the PTA meetings?" I
say. "She'd be like, 'Bake sales can but fun, kids, but if you really want
those new band uniforms, I suggest you start thinking outside the box.'"
yet, think inside of the box,'" adds Tony. "'Start thinking with your
box, that's what I say.'"
and Richard rid themselves of Jason but still, sadly, decide to go their
separate ways. Julia heads downstairs to say goodbye to Hector the Fairy
Godfather, Then, later, Richard pops by Hector's desk to return the $250,000
heard that one of the reasons that Garry Marshall uses Hector Elizondo in all of
his movies is that he's not a pain in the ass," says Marcus. "Like's
he's on time and knows his lines and Garry hopes everyone else will try to
explains why I've never worked for the same employer more than once,"
Hector's subtexting me to death in this scene," I say as the well-heeled
actor tells Richard re: the necklace, "It must be hard to let go of
something so beautiful."
right, Dennis, " agrees Ross. "His inner monologue is deafening."
got a secret that he's not telling the audience," says Lauren, who's no
stranger to such acting class tricks. "Like maybe he's wearing panties
under his suit."
passed on her chance for a life of luxury, Julia rides back to Hookerland in a
white limo while the Roxette song, "It Must have Been Love" plays in
limo was actually auctioned off for charity," Marcus informs us, "and a
plastic surgeon bought it and now it's the limo that picks you up if you're
going to have work done."
I needed more incentive," says Dr. Beaverman.
Roxette actually sings that song to you live," says Ross. "They keep
them in the trunk."
was wondering what happened to them," says Lauren.
to her dumpy apartment, Julia tells Laura San Giacomo that she's throwing in the
g-string and giving up hooking. She's not terribly specific about what she'll do
instead, but then she doesn't have to be because Richard, who's now a changed
man, is going to come and rescue her. First, he saved Ralph Bellamy's company
instead of destroying it and now, he's going to give Julia the fairy tale ending
she's always dreamed of. So he hops into his own limo, one Marcus has no idea
what happened to, and sets off to Hollywood Boulevard. As opera music blares
from the sunroof, he shimmies up Julia's fire escape, conquering his fear of
heights as he climbs, and rescues her.
what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her?" Richard asks
Julia as they embrace.
gave him a disease," says Tony.
rescues him right back," coos Julia.
is the epitome of a '90s dysfunctional relationship," says Dr. Beaverman.
"They fit together because they're both dysfunctional. Their dysfunctions
match even if the pancake shots don't."
the credits roll, I have to admit that I still don't get why chicks love this
movie so much.
because we all want to be rescued," says Lauren matter-of-factly. "And
the fact that it's Richard Gere helps, too, because most of us think we can get
rich or sexy, but we can't land both in one package."
think the movie inspires people," adds Marcus, "because it says no
matter how bad my current circumstances are and no matter what bad Toni Tennille
wig I'm wearing, someone will see past all that and take me away to a life of
defend us against their jerk friends like Jason Alexander when they hit on
us," adds Lauren while stashing the Vagina tape and Daphne mask into her
bag, "instead of telling us it's our fault that Jason's hand was on our ass
because Jason would never do that to them."
next night, I go see La Traviata with Ross at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. His
normal opera date, Perry from Video Master, is out of town so Ross offered me
the ticket. I cried like a baby clear through it and now I'm better than you
because of it. Next week: chess.
I get home, there's an e-mail from Dr. Beaverman:
you again for the Vagina outing. I had a lovely time in spite of the Daphne
Zuniga no-show and the rest of it.
sleep last night so I expanded on my Beverly Whorebillies parallel and wrote a
new Pretty Woman theme song which is actually twice as long as The Vagina
Paragraph. It's meant to be sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies but I'm
not going to sing it. Dr. Beaverman does not sing.
and listen to a story 'bout a whore named Viv,
a poor street walker who had to screw to live.
Then one day she was scoutin' for a trick,
and up to the curb pulls a Lotus and a dick.
Richard, that is. Dick Gere, cash cow.
the first thing you know old Viv's a millionaire,
street folk said, 'Viv, move away from here.'
Said, 'the Regent Wilshire is the place you oughta be,'
so she loaded up her lube and she moved to Beverly.
Hills, that is. Twisted men, movie stars.
now it's time to press rewind and say so-long to Viv,yah
and don't forget this fairy tale is leaky as a sieve.
You know in truth poor Viv is in her old locality,
still sellin' heapin' helpin's of her hospitality.
Sex, that is, what the hell, take your pants off.
Y'all come now,