“It
was so ridiculous..."
“I
love the little gay twist at the beginning..."
"I’m
a huge pussy..."
TALKING PICTURES: HIT MEN
by David Templeton
(03/15/2003)
Dennis Hensley is not talking. Not much. Not yet.
That’s good for the other popcorn-clutching theater bums
scattered about the cineplex this sunny afternoon, staring
in shell-shocked wonder as Cradle 2 the Grave—starring
DMX, Jet Li and Tom Arnold—explodes across the big reverberating
screen before us. Aside from occasional exhalation of “Whoa!”
and “Ouch!,” my guest stays respectfully mum throughout
the film, though it’s pretty fucking unlikely—given the
noise of exploding safes, heads, and helicopters, and the
deafening snap snap snap of loudly breaking bones—that
anyone could have heard Hensley cracking jokes above all
the din.
Too
bad, too.
Hensley,
after all, is a card-carrying master of the mid-film
wisecrack. He’s the L.A.-based author
of the brand new
book Screening Party (Alyson Books; $16.95), a follow-up
to his best-selling 1995 hit-novel Misadventures in
the (213), about a gay would-be screenwriter slumming
it
on the fringes of Hollywood. In Screening Party,
Hensley gathers
a motley assortment of characters to watch DVDs of
classic films, capturing their bitchy banter and
borderline-cruel
critical deconstructions of everything from Steven
Spielberg’s "Jaws" to
Mariah Carey’s "Glitter." Driven by Hensley’s
off-kilter wit and naughty-boy style—vagina-shaped cupcakes
are served during a screening of "Basic Instinct"—Screening
Party is a funny, kick-ass homage to the fine art of
talking during movies.
But
we’re in public now, and Hensley—impressively self-contained—waits
patiently till the rowdy climax of Cradle 2 the
Grave,
in which a gang of born-again jewel thieves (lead
by rapper-turned-thespian DMX) steal and then lose
a bag
of mysterious black gems,
after which they team up with a Taiwanese secret
agent (Li) and a motor-mouthed purveyor of stolen
goods (Arnold)
to get the black jewels back, to locate DMX’s annoying
kidnapped daughter, to kill a bunch of ugly people,
and to save the world from a well-dressed cabal of
weapons
dealers trying to get their own hands on the stolen
gems, which turn out to be powerful pellets of concentrated
plutonium capable of flattening civilization as we
know
it.
Or something. “It
was so ridiculous,” Hensley says, as we exit the
theater in search of caffeine and a bit of well-earned
quiet. “But
it was kind of fun, in a way,” he admits. “I think
I expected something darker, more realistic—less
expensive
to film.
But it was just so silly.” After a pause, he adds,
“You
know a film is in trouble when Tom Arnold is a
breath
of fresh air.”
Confessing
that the cast were more than watchable, Hensley says,
“ I thought DFX had a lot of presence—or
is it
EFX? Or PMS? What the hell is his name?”
“DMX,”
I confidently report, as if I actually owned his
albums.
"DMX!
Right,” nods Hensley. “He was good, but I think he
thought he was performing
in a much
more
serious
movie. He was so intense. He could have
been a bit winky-wink,
‘cause everything going on around him
was a ridiculous spectacle. “And
I kind of like Jet Li,” he goes on. “I love how he
has only one expression and
never breaks
a sweat.
He doesn’t
even move, basically. In fight scenes,
he just stands back and goes, ‘Maybe I’ll kick
a little.’”
Having
located a coffee shop with an outside table not overly-covered
in pigeon-droppings,
Hensley
cuddles his
designer coffee as he takes a seat to
continue his critique.
“I love the little gay twist at the beginning,”
he says, a reference to the scene where
a gorgeous lady
thief
(Gabrielle Union), is sent to distract
a hunky security guard with
her stunning cleavage, but has to send
in the overweight male replacement
(Anderson) when it
becomes clear
that the guard is—who’d have guessed
it?—gay.
“I thought it was ridiculous that they
thought you could woo a hunky gay security
guard
with a character
actor,”
says Hensley. Noting that the guard
was, in truth, high quality material—“He
had
the most expressive
eyebrows,” says Hensley—he goes on
to suggest, “It’s ridiculous
to think that, just because he’s gay,
he’d respond to
anyone
with a penis. Hey, take a tip from
me, if you have to distract the gay
guard—send
in
your hot
guy!”
“DMX
should have taken over,” I suggest.
“Exactly,”
says Hensley, slapping the table. “You know the eyebrow
guy
would have gone
for DMX. In
a minute.”
Cradle
2 the Grave—"What does that title
mean?” Hensley asks—is the kind
of movie where fight scenes include people
running up walls, spinning horizontally
to avoid flying bullets, and launching volleys of
kicks
and kung fu chops
so fast and furious you begin
to wonder how John Wayne ever got away his merely
slugging a guy.
“Have
you ever punched anyone?” I ask Hensley.
“Oh,
no, I’m a huge pussy,” he laughs. “I was in a fight
with
a girl, once.
Three girls,
actually,
and
I think
I kicked their asses. They
attacked me and I freaked
out
and just kind of went off
on
them, hitting, slapping,
whatever it
took—so I won,
but then we all got
swats in the principal’s
office.”
After
a while, we begin swapping our favorite Cradle
2 the
Grave movie moments.
Mine
is the scene where
Jet Li
is chased by a vicious
Doberman, and runs up the side of an
alley wall,
leaping over
the dog’s
head
to land
back
on the ground—and the dog
does the same thing. One
of Hensley’s
favorite
bits
is the “CSI
moment,” when
a handsome
bad
guy gets melted by a weaponized
slug of concentrated plutonium
that is
shoved down
his esophagus.
We witness this event
in a shot from inside the
esophagus, a slimy pink
tunnel into which
slides the
glowing
pellet, suspiciously
resembling a nuclear suppository.
“I
thought that was pretty delicious,” Hensley admits,
“though I’ll
bet, in another version
of that scene,
Jet Li shoved that thing
right up the guy’s ass.
“Actually,”
he adds, “I’ll bet it’s the same
inside
shot in
both versions.” Writer David Templeton takes interesting people to the
movies in his ongoing quest for the ultimate post-film
conversation. This is not a review; rather, it's a freewheeling,
tangential discussion of art, alternative ideas, and
popular culture.
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