| by
Dennis Hensley
In his
latest book Screening Party, author and Advocate regular Dennis
Hensley and his couch potato pals make sense of Glitter and
A Star Is Born (the Barbra version) so we thought we’d
give ‘em a crack at one of modern cinema’s most
confounding and ongoing mysteries: What is up with Josh Hartnett’s
hair?
“Oh
my God, Dennis,” says my stand-up comic gal pal Lauren,
after I dump a stack of color printouts of Josh Hartnett from
different movies on the just-cleared brunch table. “Are
you planning to wallpaper a Fantastic Sam’s?”
“Don’t
knock the Sam’s,” I say. “I was there yesterday.”
“Clearly,”
says my roommate Tony.
“Okay,
we’re not here to diss Dennis, who’s doing the
best he can,” my video clerk pal, Ross, reminds us.
“We’re here to diss Hartnett who should be able
to do better. I mean, I’m straight and I can see there’s
a problem.”
“If
hair is a barometer of one's sexuality, and I maintain it
is, Josh is obviously in a follicular flux,” remarks
my upstairs neighbor Dr. Beverly Beaverman, our group’s
resident shrink. “Indecision abounds--to Flow-bee or
not to Flow-bee—which says to me that our young man
might be undecided in all departments, not just the tonsorial.”
“I don’t
know why your editor included this,” says Tony, picking
up the shot of a 70’s styled Josh from The Virgin
Suicides, “but what a lovely photo of Gina Gershon.”
“Wait,
wait, wait,” interrupts my always organized lawyer friend
Marcus, snagging the Gershonian shot from Tony. “Shouldn’t
we do this in chronological order, starting with Halloween
H2O?”
“Or
Halloween Water as we like to call it at the video store,”
says Ross.
“It’s
a total bowl cut,” observes Lauren, “but with
like a chip out of the bowl.”
“Very
Dumb and Dumberer,” says Ross. “It’s
like, ‘We don’t squeeze the bunny, Josh. The bunny
is our friend’.”
“His
next movie, The Faculty, is also a bowl,” I point out.
“But it’s a different bowl, maybe a colander.”
“Geez,
how ‘bout we lump all the Tupper-cuts into one group?”
begs Tony, adding O, Blow Dry and 40 Days and 40 Nights
to the bowl pile. “Otherwise, we’ll be here all
day.”
“Good
idea,” I say. “So now we’re back to Virgin
Suicides.”
“There’s
a new girl in town and she’s feelin’ good!”
sings Lauren.
“Is
Josh auditioning to play Kate Jackson in a Lifetime movie?”
wonders Tony.
“No
wonder the virgins offed themselves, if this was their introduction
to the old ‘slap and tickle,’ mutters Dr. Beaverman.
“I think
they used that same wig in The Trip,” says Marcus.
Which brings
us to Pearl Harbor. It’s my favorite Hartnett
hair to date and I tell the gang so.
“Who’s
looking at the hair he’s in a tank top and dog tags?”
says Tony.
“And
look at the blurred guy in the background,” says Ross.
“Maybe that’s his secret lover.”
“Speaking
of lovers, I have a story,” says Marcus. Marcus always
has a story, so settle in. “So two years ago, I go on
my first date with this guy I met volunteering at the AIDS
Ride. Really into him. We go see Pearl Harbor and he
had been really into me on the phone but then at the theater,
he was really standoffish. After the movie, we passed a newsstand
and Josh was on the cover of a magazine and my boy goes, ‘Wow,
Josh Hartnett is so fuckin’ hot.’ He just as well
have prefaced it with ‘Unlike you…’ I was
really bummed out, ‘cause the movie sucked too. I wanted
to scream, ‘Fuck you and fuck Josh Hartnett too’!”
So I sort
of don’t like Josh now.”
“This
tousled Pearl Harbor look is good,” says Dr.
Beaverman reclaiming the floor, “but I'm troubled by
the sideburns. Wrong war, General Burnside!”
I then offer
up a homoerotic photo of Josh and a few buddies palling around
on the set of Black Hawk Down. “Can’t go
wrong with the buzz cut, I always say,” asserts Ross.
“Unless
you’re Celine Dion in Vegas,” says Tony.
We all nod.
This is the most unanimous moment of the morning.
We bring it
home with Josh’s current flick, Hollywood Homocide.
“Not bad,” says Lauren, “but I’ve
seen the movie and it looks exactly like that whole time.
It just doesn’t move.”
“Neither
bouncin' nor behavin’, interesting,” muses Dr.
Beaverman. “Just limp, limp, limp, which is not a good
sign for what's going on south of his border.”
As I gather
up the photos, I float my theory that Josh’s litany
of hair don’ts is actually intentional. “It’s
like Brad Pitt growing a Bruce Villanch beard,” I suggest.
“Josh is playing down his looks so people will take
him seriously as an actor.’
“In
movies like Halloween Water,” adds Ross.
“I’d
still do him,” admits Lauren.
Tony seconds
the motion.
“Fuck
Josh Hartnett!” Marcus blurts.
As usual,
Dr. B. has the final word. “Sexually speaking, he still
looks lost,” she says, “as evidenced by that untouched
pistol he’s packing in Hollywood Homocide. I
say, ‘Fix the hair and cock that gun, boy.’ Or
at least try to score a cameo in Barbershop 2."
|