| by
Dennis Hensley
To say
that Melissa Etheridge’s new CD, Skin, gets off to a
provocative start with the song “Lover, Please”
would be a major understatement.
A shot
in the dark, she sings.
I woke up to find
You had broke all the rules
And you changed your mind
Didn’t I love you good?
Didn’t I love you right?
And where are you goin’ dressed to kill tonight?
Oh, this is going to hurt like hell.
Etheridge
lowers the volume, retrieves her visitor’s jaw from
the floor, then laughs the way you do when you fear you may
have revealed too much. “This CD is where my personal
and professional lives have truly collided,” reveals
the singer, reclining on the sofa in the living room of the
Brentwood, CA home she moved into in November. “All
my work is autobiographical but this is right out the headlines.
It’s so clear and so…ouch!”
Ouch is
right, for the headlines she’s referring to, of course,
are the ones from last October that announced that she and
her partner, filmmaker Julie Cypher, were splitting up after
twelve years. The news, coming hot on the heals of the Ellen-Anne
break-up sent ripples of shock and sadness through the gay
community. After all, we had just seen them on the cover of
Rolling Stone, beaming like girls in love, as they told the
world that the biological father of their two children, Bailey,
4, and Beckett, 2, was, in fact, their friend, rocker David
Crosby. What happened?
This is
the first interview Etheridge has granted since the break-up
and, boy, is there a lot to cover. In addition to the changes
in her personal life and living situation (Cypher resides
in a house just across the back alley), there’s her
ongoing gig as the host of Lifetime’s Beyond Chance
and a book of lyrics and extremely personal reminiscences
due this fall called The Truth Is.
But what
we really want to know is, how is she Melissa Etheridge doing?
Is the woman whose songs and activism have kept us fired up
for over a decade going to be okay? “In the last year,
I’ve learned that doesn’t kill you, doesn’t
kill you,” the jeans and T-shirt clad rocker says with
a laugh, “and that I’m stronger than I thought
and that I have more power than I thought.” Etheridge
cranks up the volume in time to hear herself scream ‘Oh
God!” backwards on the CD’s emotionally raw fifth
track, “It’s Only Me,” then smiles. “And
I like myself more than I ever have.”
THE ADVOCATE:
Why did you name your new CD Skin?
Because there’s
like three or four references to getting out of my skin and
getting back in.
So how
naked are you on the cover?
(Laughs) I
took some pictures that showed my shoulders and the new tattoo
on the back of my neck that says “Skin” in white
ink.
Did it
hurt?
It hurt in
that kind of good way, and at the end, the guy put his hand
on my shoulder and he said, “Congratulations, now you’re
one of us.” It was a cool feeling because I’d
been so used to “I’m gay” and that’s
what I am.
And you
can’t be anything else.
Right, and
he and I could not be more different.
This morning
I spoke with David Cole, the co-producer / engineer on Skin.
He said to tell you he was up till 3:00 AM remixing your single.
(Laughs) David
saved my life. You gotta believe in the universe of fate or
whatever. This summer, when I felt like things were going
to have to change between Julie and I, at first I was like,
"No, no, no.” We were trying everything possible
that you do to try to salvage a relationship in the end. Then
in September, we decided to split. Well, I'd had these plans
to do a one-woman show, and a book about my lyrics and I just
said, "Stop everything,” and, like when I was a
teenager in Leavenworth, Kansas, I went into the basement
and wrote songs. So I closed all my doors and I wrote songs.
I had no plans to make a record but in two weeks, I had ten
songs so I called my manager and said, "I want to be
in the studio Monday, find me an engineer/producer who’s
a nice guy because I'm going to be very vulnerable. David
was the only one I met. I looked in his eyes, and I went,
“Yeah.” He helped me through that whole period.
He was there the day we had to tell everyone we were breaking
up because The Star somehow found out.
How do
you find out that the tabloids are going to run something?
They call
you and say, "This is gonna run in two days. Do you have
any comment?"
What does
it feel to get a call like that?
It’s
horrible. They must listen to cell phone conversations because
they knew about us buying two houses. So in one night, we
had to call everyone we knew that didn't know we were breaking
up, which was mostly everybody.
Did you
leave messages for the people who weren’t home?
Uh-huh. Only
our closest friends knew so we had to call my family, her
family. It was really awful.
And you
were in the studio during that time?
Yes. I remember
that feeling of ‘Well, today people are opening their
newspapers and reading about me…and my failure.’
That's how I felt. I remember playing the music and it was
so healing, this safe place I could go to when all this crap
was going down. I don't care if anyone buys this record. It’s
served its purpose.
Do you
ever have a lyric come into your head and think. ‘This
is exactly what I'm feeling, but it's not fair to the other
people involved to put it out there.’
Oh, no. No,
no, no, no. I have complete artistic license. I've always
believed that.
Has that
ever caused problems?
Oh yeah. Julie's
been like, "Don't tell people that!" But it's my
job. It's my art. I'm sorry, it's part of the deal.
If Eminem
can do it…
So can I!
At least I'm not locking you in a trunk.
Has Julie
heard the new album yet?
Yeah. She
hasn't said what she thinks about it.
When you
made the announcement you were breaking up, did you feel like
you were letting people down who had looked to you as role
models? Like, “First, Ellen and Anne, and now us?”
Yeah. I remember
when we found out about Ellen and Anne, we were arguing at
the time. We were yelling at each other.
That’s
a perfect scene for the TV movie.
(Laughs) It
was crazy. Ellen called and we stopped in the middle of our
argument and talked to her about how Anne was roaming around.
This was before we heard it on the news. It was just a wickedly
strange moment. I don’t live my life to be a role model.
I realize that being open about my relationship has put me
in that position but I’m not going to not break up because
I’m a role model. I did see the waves that it sent through
the community and it was sad. But I believe as people see
how we’re dealing with our family, that anything that
they had believed about us is still there. We’re still
those people. We live, grow, change. Unfortunately.
Do you
have a sense of what couldn’t be solved?
Ask me in
a year, and I might be able to narrow it down to a sound byte.
I’m still in the middle of it. I’m still struggling
with why one person can’t -- what are the things that
won’t allow them to push through obstacles and keep
going... I don’t know. I don’t know.
What reactions
from people have surprised you?
I thought
that maybe it would be that thing where you lose friends in
a divorce, but our friends have done really well. Because
it’s not a nasty, ugly thing with Julie and I, they’ve
been able to maintain both friendships. It’s new for
me because Julie always kept the social thing together so
it’s been a real lesson for me. Now I actually have
to pick up the phone and go, “Um, you wanna do somethin’?”
You’ve
only been living here since November. Yet, I have to say,
the place feels like a home.
That was very
important. We wanted the kids to feel as comfortable as possible
as soon as possible. So we wanted to make the move together
so it wasn't one of us moving out. Julie's place is right
back there. (Gestures to her back yard)
You could
borrow a cup of sugar if you want.
Have done
that. Have said, “I don't have a pacifier.” It's
very important to us, that even though our relationship changed,
the family unit stayed together. The kids actually are doing
really well. I certainly would rather be with them every day,
but now, it's four days and four days.
This living
arrangement seems great for the kids but do you ever think,
for yourself, that you might need more space to heal?
If we didn’t
have children, we definitely wouldn’t be living close
to each other. I’ve sacrificed a bit of that need for
space in order that I can still be close to my children. It’s
totally worth it.
Do you
think that they pick up on tension between you?
Well, I think
they know that it’s not always fun when Julie and I
cross paths. They see that it’s strained but I don’t
see this lasting forever. When the kids are older, they will
be better equipped for more space apart.
It just
seems like it would be tough to look out your window and wonder,
‘Whose car is that?’
You can’t
see any cars, just the back yard and it’s a big fence,
so I don’t know what’s coming.
So I guess
that means hot tub orgies in the back yard are out of the
question.
Probably,
yeah. But you never know. (Laughs)
Suddenly,
Bailey, Etheridge’s dimpled and adorable four year-old
daughter charges into the room with her caretaker. The pair
are on a hunt for a missing Barbie. After introductions all
around and a kiss for mommy, they’re off.
As a modern
woman, do you have any thoughts on the Barbie phenomenon?
Barbie is.
And there’s nothin’ I can do about it. (Laughs)
If you
were Bailey’s age, what toy in this room would appeal
to you?
Those trucks.
Are you kidding?
Meanwhile,
I would be dressing the Barbies and feeling ashamed about
it.
I remember
when my grandfather gave me a blue steel truck for Christmas
and I cried. Cried. And my family were like, “What’s
the matter?” And I couldn’t say…
That he
was on to you.
That he was
on to me. It was my favorite toy but it was also like, “Uh-oh,
my secret’s out.”
What’s
a day from your childhood you’d like to go back and
relive?
Boy I don’t
wanna go back. Maybe a day I spent fishing with my Dad.
What’s
your relationship with your mom like now?
It’s
been fun. We communicate much more now. It’s sort of
forced that.
Your parents
were children of alcoholics. What is your relationship like
with alcohol and drugs?
Fortunately,
I’ve never been addicted to any substance.
How the
hell did you get a Behind The Music special then?
I think because
I was queer. It’s like, “She worked hard. Her
dreams came true. Doesn’t sound that interesting.”
“Thank
God she’s gay!”
Exactly.
(Laughs)
When you
drank for the first time, were you conflicted about it?
No. I was
playing in bars and watching people get drunk so I saw what
it can do. By the time I got to high school, my friends were
like, “Let’s get a six pack!” I’m
like, “Yeah, I’ll drive. Not interested.”
It didn’t hold any mystery for me at all. The first
time I was ever out of my mind, it was mescaline which is
just this side of acid. I’d never been high or drunk
and it was a total trip. I was in a club in Boston and I was
out of my mind. I didn’t not do drugs or alcohol, but
it was very recreational.
Tell me
about your upcoming book, "The Truth Is".
I started
it last year when things were different. I found with my last
album that people wanted to know more about me personally
so I thought maybe I can include lyrics and answer questions
about growing up and coming out. Then the break-up happened
and it became something else.
Was there
a part of you that was dealing with the pain by working? Like,
‘I'm going to lose myself in work?’
I think that's
what happened. As I felt things starting to unravel, I just
tried to make myself very, very busy. But it was also healing.
I would sit down for hours with my co-writer, Laura Morton,
and it was like therapy. It was a major self-realization.
Huge.
I think
a lot of people would do the opposite in your situation and
keep everything inside.
I kind of
wish I could have done that, but that's not where I am. I'm
definitely into purging, getting it out.
What was
your process like with Laura?
She would
just take me down roads, like ‘Who was your first girlfriend?”
“What are you going through right now?” We finally
had to get to that.
I read
in the press release for it that you talk about being sexually
abused by your older sister.
Well, the
press release was not a press release of mine. It was very
unfortunate what happened. Laura put out an outline that we
sent to seven publishers. It’s an unwritten rule that
they are not for public consumption. We made a deal and the
next week that outline was sent out to the media by someone
at one of these publishing houses. I still don't know who.
I mean, there's one small part about my sister, and being
sexually abused but it's not what the book is about. Of course,
the media zeroes in on that one thing. I had to call my sister
and my mom, who I hadn't talked about the book with.
How did
they react?
Not good.
It's the truth, so I can't say it's not, but unfortunately
my mom and my sister think I'm writing a tell-all book where
I'm gonna slander my family, and that's not it all.
But it
is in the book?
Yeah. It's
interesting people's perceptions about that issue. I know
that my sister thinks, ‘Oh, I was just playing doctor.’
But to me, it was definitely abuse and fear and control. In
the book, you'll see the theme that was sort of set up with
that in my relationships; my taking care of people.
How old
were you?
I blocked
a lot of it out but I believe it started when I was about
seven or eight and lasted until I was about ten. My sister’s
four years older than me.
When you
were sitting down to work on the book, did you think, ‘Is
it right to talk about this?’
I knew that
I would. I knew that it would not be like me to leave something
like that out. I’ve gotten this far by speaking the
truth. How could I not speak the complete truth because I’m
ashamed or something?
Because
you don’t want to hurt them.
But that would
be protecting them and that’s part of what I’m
trying not to do. I’m speaking the truth and if they
can’t handle it, they need to deal with their own truths.
It’s my path and my lesson to stop taking care of everybody
else.
Do you
hope that it will help people that have gone through similar
things?
Yes. And I
know that it will open debate in my life about ‘What
is homosexuality?’
Like ‘Is
that abuse what made her gay?’
Yeah. I’ve
always had my own theory that some people are born with leanings
a certain way and then circumstances in their life might help
push them. I think I was definitely born gay. The experience
with my sister pushed me further that way. The experience
with my mother being very distant pushed me more that way.
I don’t think that I’m gay because of those experiences,
but I think that it definitely set me up to go down that road.
Do you
think it affected the kinds of people you’ve been attracted
to in relationships?
Oh yeah. Distant,
unavailable people. “I need to make this work!”
Yeah.
Do you
feel like you’ve been able to break that?
Uh, not yet.
(Laughs) We’ll see what the next relationship is like.
It’s so funny being single and looking at what I’m
attracted to and just laughing at myself. As far as Julie,
I don’t have anything bad to say about her. I spent
twelve years with her, so there’s a lot of good there.
But when you get down to the bottom line, certain parts of
her emotional life were unavailable to me.
Do you
wanna fall in love again?
That’s
my next single, “I Wanna Be in Love.” I’m
built for it, man. This is the first thing people are going
to hear from me.
Etheridge
cranks track #6, a remarkably unjaded ditty that about the
joys of new romance.
In front
of total strangers, won’t you kiss me
Flowers for no reason but you miss me
Oh, I wanna be in love…
While the
song plays, Etheridge picks up the phone, dials and waits.
“I just asked this woman out,” she whispers, “and
I have to check my messages to see whether she said yes or
no.” She listens for a while then hangs up happy.
How long
has dating seemed like something you’d want to even
consider?
Just the last
couple weeks. It’s weird. I haven’t really ever
dated.
Well, guess
what. It’s a nightmare.
(Laughs) I
know. I just asked somebody out. I was like, “Do you
wanna go to some pre-Grammy party on Tuesday?” They
said, “But I’m not really ready to get my picture
taken.” There’s stuff that goes with it that I
don’t even think about. I have to be aware that there
is nothing at all normal about me.
If you’re
interested in somebody, are you good at initiating, or do
you wait to have them come to you?
I tried waiting
but I got kind of lonely there.
Is the
woman who called famous?
No. That’s
really good. I’m not going to be serious for a long
time. This is just…company.
What qualities
are you attracted to in a person?
I like a person
who likes themselves. That’s probably the main thing.
If somebody
has all your records and is a big fan, is that a plus or a
minus?
I’m
probably not gonna date fans.
So if you
met a hot chick and she was like, “Oh yeah, I think
I saw one of your videos once, but I’m not sure…”
It would so
turn me on.
Then you
have to win her over.
Yeah. Yeah.
Does it
turn you on if a girl can dance?
Oh yes, if
they can dance, that goes a long way, yeah.
How long
do you wait to call somebody back that you’re sweet
on?
Oh God, please
don’t ask dating tips from me. I so don’t know.
I’m just doing this one step at a time.
You want
any advise from our readers?
Could they
give me tips on dating? We could call it, “Help Melissa.”
I mean, this is the craziest time in my life, being single.
It’s good for me because the energy that I used to put
into another person is just hanging around me and I’m
like, “Okay, I’ve got all this energy. What am
I going to do with it?”
What kind
of women are throwing themselves at you?
Unfortunately,
it’s mostly married women.
What do
they say to you?
Oh, they’re
very safe. (Laughs) Women are more bisexual, I think, than
anybody thinks. I think that married women just wanna try
it, and it’s not really cheating. But I’m here
to put in print that I’m not going to do that again,
period. Learned my lesson. No. No, no, no. It’s like,
“You’re pretty, but you’re married. Bye.”
Did the
fact that Julie had been with men before add stress to your
relationship?
No. We were
definitely in love. It wasn’t a man thing. It was the
breakdown of a relationship and it was falling out of love.
I never felt stress from a man, or jealous or anything. At
all.
There was
never a part of you that thought, ‘Well, she might go
back that way.’
She might.
She’s just sexual. I think she’s just open to
both.
But it
wasn’t something you lost sleep over.
No. But I
would not be surprised if she dated a guy. I believe she’s
a person that falls in love with people and is attracted to
the soul, totally.
Now the
Rolling Stone cover that called you “The New American
Family” came out in January of last year. Looking back,
do you feel strange about the timing of that?
Yeah. When
I went out to promote my last CD, Breakdown, all that anybody
wanted to talk about was, ‘Who’s the father?’
I started feeling very uncomfortable because it was this big,
huge secret that had all this power.
It was
like being in the closet again.
Right, and
so much energy went into saying “No, no, no, no”.
So Julie and I were doing okay at the time, and we both agreed
that if it ever did come out, that it would cause something
that we didn’t want our children to be subject to that
any older in their life. So we were like, “Let’s
just put this out there while they’re young,”
which is exactly what we did. Then as the months went by,
I was like, “Oh, fuck, this is coming apart, and that
definitely sucks.” But it was done, and the story of
who the father is was a lot bigger than I thought it would
be. It was crazy. I think that I really realized the scope
of the whole thing when Billy Crystal made a reference to
it at the Oscars. When they showed Annette Benning, he said,
“I hope it doesn’t look like David Crosby.”
It was strange because it came from such a private, friend-to-friend
thing.
Have you
ever thought of recording with David?
We talk about
it but this wasn’t the appropriate album to work with
him on.
The pop
music landscape has changed a lot in the last few years. Do
you put a lot of thought into, ‘How can I fit in in
the world of Britney?’
I’ve
always tried to make radio come to me. Nowadays, you can't
do that so I've agreed, to give my single a chance, to remix
it for radio. My album is a different entity.
I think
you should do a duet with Christina Aguilera on "What
a Girl Wants" on TRL.
There you
go. (Laughs) I know what a girl wants! Don't think I didn't
laugh when I first heard that song.
Are there
musical milestones you still look forward to?
I think I'm
entering a different phase. I've been around for ten years
now. I'm sitting there with Aerosmith, and we're going, "Okay,
we're the old folks here." (Laughs) I always hoped that
I’d have a career that has ups and downs, but that stays
around, like Elton John’s. I'm starting to feel that
change over now and it's very interesting.
When things
were breaking wide open for you, was it fun or was it insane?
Do you look back and go, “I wish I had enjoyed that
more?”
I wish I knew
I was in it when I was in it because I didn't know until after
it was over. But I'm glad that that sort of thing doesn't
sustain, because it's intense. I've met people that want that
all the time and you can't have it. The world just goes on.
I’ve
interviewed stars whose journeys were so about, “I’ll
show you, I’m going to make it” and then once
they do, they don’t know who they are anymore. Did you
experience anything like that?
The thing
for me was if I could be a big famous rock star, then I wouldn’t
have my problems so all my energy focused towards that.
“If
I could just get a number one record, then I won’t have
to deal with this shit.”
Right. And
you have a number one record and there’s so much shit.
So then I had to grow up. You can’t run away from it
anymore. It becomes about, “Okay, I’m here and
now. How can I be a better person?” But I like performing,
that energy, that connection, and fame is part of that. But
if I had to choose between being famous or doing my music,
I’d do my music.
But you
don’t have to choose so serve it up.
Serve it up!
And because I am a hundred percent myself, I don’t have
to put energy into creating an image. It’s just me.
What I
like about you is that you’re down-to-earth and a big
show-off at the same time.
(Laughs) I’m
a big ham. I love what do and I love that I get to meet the
most amazing people.
And sing
at their wedding, as in the case of Brad Pitt and Jennifer
Aniston.
Love it!
When the
possibility of singing somewhere is first mentioned, how long
do you act embarrassed and hem and haw before going, “Okay,
I’ll do it.”
I don’t.
When they said they were getting married, I said, “Oh,
I’ll sing!”
You’re
like, “’Come To My Window’ in E flat. Hit
it!”
Exactly. (Laughs)
Sheryl Crow said I’m just a little show business whore
because I’ll sing for anybody anywhere. I’ve played
bowling alleys, supermarkets, the Kawanis Club. But I have
to say, there’s something scary about a room full of
people in the same hats.
Were you
always a ham?
As a child,
that was the place where I could express everything. Couldn’t
do it anywhere else. It was okay to sing angry or sing sad
and then started to realize people like to see that, and I
thought, “Oh, that feels good.” Now I’m
making a darn good living at it. Laura Morton, the woman writing
the book with me was like, “Do you realize that your
perfect safe place is on the stage where most people are scared
to death to be?”
Have you
learned to express your emotions more in real life as you’ve
gotten older? Can you be the bad cop when necessary?
Yeah. I’ve
been in a lot of therapy to learn how to do that. I insist
on it for my children so that they will learn by example how
to express one’s emotions. I have to consciously do
it, or else, it’s “Everything’s okay.”
What about
your work relationships and with the press, are you able to
draw lines?
Yeah. I truly
am the boss. But I am pretty accommodating because there’s
nothing that I haven’t talked about. I know that this
is part of it and I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing
any part of myself.
Have you
ever looked back at an interview and thought, ‘God,
I was too open. I should have shut up.’
No, I’ve
looked back and said, “God, I wish I was more open”.
That’s one of the reasons I came out. There were a couple
of interviews that I did for Never Enough that were just were
ridiculous. It just seemed like I was trying to not say everything.
When you’re
part of a couple, do you draw lines about the press together,
like, “Okay, we won’t talk about B & C, we’ll
talk about A, B & D,” or do you just play it by
ear?
We played
it by ear. When we had children, we agreed we were not going
to do is say who the father is. But then that line becomes
what everything’s about. To truly be as empowered as
I can be, I can’t make my little boxes that no one can
talk about because those become the only thing that anyone
wants to talk about.
And you
and she were on the same page about that?
Yeah.
Have you
ever been accused of using your personal life to promote your
work, like, “Let’s announce who the father is
when my new album comes out.”
I’m
sure some people have thought of that, but I’m not that
clever. If I’d have been that clever, I’d have
broken up this month. (Laughs)
Do you
think you, as parents, are going to have different set of
problems than heterosexuals?
You know what’s
funny? I used to think the world was split between men and
women. And then, gay and straight. And now I know the world
is truly split between parents and non-parents. No matter
what kind of parent you are--single, straight, gay, divorced,
together forever--you love your children the same way. Yes,
I believe there will be things that my children will have
to deal with because of their mothers’ lifestyle. But
if preschool is any signal as to what’s coming, the
kids get it. “Oh, Bailey has two Moms.” Easy.
Simple. My kids know that most kids have a Mom and a Dad.
They also know that they have a Dad who doesn’t live
with them. You give them those tools of knowledge and truth
and love and they can answer to it at any time.
You host
the Lifetime show Beyond Chance. What’s the coolest
thing that’s come out of that for you?
I’ve
reached a new audience. There are people that watch that show
that don’t know I’m a musician. I got this letter
from an elderly woman that was addressed to Melissa Eldridge
and it said, “I watch your show every week. I’m
sorry to hear about the break up with your best friend.”
It was how she was able to say it. I’m sure in her life
she could never say that “l” word, but it really
meant a lot to me that she acknowledged my “best friend.”
You were
attached to the Janis Joplin movie for ages. Doyou still want
to make a movie some day?
Yeah but I
don’t have a dream of being a movie star. I’m
actually working on something with HBO right now.
“If
These Vaginal Walls Could Talk III”?
(Laughs) I
will say that it’s gay and HBO loves gay.
What movie
stars did you have a crush on when you were a kid?
Anne Bancroft.
I’m so into the strong woman thing.
I take
it you didn’t have a Farrah poster.
No. It was
all about Kate Jackson. Another signal I was queer.
You’ve
said that before you all came out, there were many drunken
nights where both you and Ellen sat around and talked about
coming out. What did you talk about after?
What we’d
like to do, because it opens up a lot of doors. And we talk
about our experiences with people. I remember being at a thing
for Ellen, and we were onstage answering questions and this
fifteen year-old girl thanked Ellen in a way that just brought
tears to our eyes. It comes down to that. It’s really
quite powerful.
Have you
talked to each other about dating?
Ellen and
I have completely different personal relationships. We couldn’t
be more different, except we like gals. (Laughs)
Is there
any truth to the rumor that you and Ellen and kd lang are
going to do a lesbian First Wive’s Club?
(Laughs) That
would be funny! You know Ellen, kd, and I, we all just went
through break-ups. There’s an opportunity here that
someone’s not taking advantage of! C’mon!
Should
I get Scott Rudin on the phone?
C’mon,
get him on the phone.
Do the
three of you hang out?
Ellen and
I do. kd has a tendency to hide out, but Ellen said she just
talked to her last week, so I think I might see her soon.
You’ve
said that coming out was only a positive thing for you professionally.
Ellen seemed to have a different experience, a lot of positive
reaction and then a backlash. What was it like for you to
watch that happen?
I went ‘ouch’
to some things every now and then, but also could kind of
see the set-up. I think if you talk to Ellen in the next year
or two, she’ll have a different insight on what that
whole thing was, and the experience of it.
Now what
about this one-woman show you were going to do?
I pushed that
back. We’re basically going to adapt it from the book
so it’ll be like 2002.
Do you
plan to tour with the CD?
I just ache
to be performing. It’s such a safe, healing place. But
also I don’t want to be away from my kids. I refuse
to be away from them for more than ten days.
Vegas is
just a plane ride away. You could be the new Wayne Newton!
(Laughs) Bruce
Springsteen and I were talking about how jealous we were that
these country artists can have a Branson or Vegas where people
come to them. Why can’t we have our own little rock
n’ roll place?
Is it going
to be different touring as a single woman?
Oh yeah. Before
it’s been, “Yeah, this is very sexual, but I’m
going home to that.” Now it’s like, “This
is real sexual, and -- possible.” It’s really
gonna be different. Talk to me in a year.
It kills
me that I missed Equality Rocks. What was it like?
It was such
a perfect moment in time. Normally, I’m all about inclusion
in my music. This was the first time that I really felt like
I was walking out in front of a gay audience. This was a big
gay thang. And that was a different feeling. I felt I didn’t
have anything to prove so I just jumped on it and flew more
than I ever ever have. I didn’t have to win. I’d
already won. It was the victory lap.
What was
it like to sing “Scarecrow,” your song about Matthew
Sheperd?
I’ve
never sung the song before and I was a wreck. I lost it. I
basically spoke the song, the parts that I could. I was completely
raw.
Writing
that song, did it just pour out?
Yeah. I was
supposed to be writing a song for the women’s soccer
World Cup but I kept going back to “Scarecrow”
and it just happened.
What’s
something you’ve seen recently that made you think,
‘The world’s changing for the better?’
Any time a
young person comes up and asks me for my autograph, I’m
surprised. The big thing about the Grammy’s this year
was this big, out, homosexual guy singing with a guy that
has homophobic lyrics. That’s it, Elton. Wear a big
pink, polka-dot thang, and heal it, man!
Where were
you the first time your heard one of your songs on the radio?
It was in
'88. I was late for a train, riding in this car with a record
company guy in London, and I heard the beginning of "Similar
Features.” I said, "God, that sounds familiar...wait,
that’s me!" The feeling was so strange because
the radio had always been that other land.
What’s
the weirdest thing you’ve ever autographed?
I’ve
been asked to autograph undergarments, but I don’t.
Much has
been made about the bras that fans throw onstage. Where do
they end up?
I never see
them. My crew takes it, and they have to permission to do
with it what they want.
That would
be a cross-dresser’s dream job.
(Laughs) Right.
I want the people that throw things to know that I do not
receive it. That some sweaty guy gets it for his collection.
In the
past, you’ve talked about a volatile relationship you
had when you were a teenager. Is that going to be in the book?
Yes. My first
girlfriend was from seventeen to about nineteen. It was dark
in some ways. I think it raised some red flags like,“Oh,
I’m attracted to this. Uh-oh.” I was never involved
with anyone abusive after that.
Was it
physically abusive?
Maybe twice
physically, but psychologically, really.
Did you
end it?
Yes.
Was it
hard to do it?
Yes, because
what did I know? I was nineteen.
Do you
have any idea where she is?
We e-mail
each other now.
I think
E-mail is great for people you don’t really want to
hear from.
(Laughs) Because
it’s not like I’m talking to them. They just come
on your screen and you’re like, “Well, all right.”
I don’t remember who wrote the first one. I think someone
asked if it was okay if they gave my address to her.
In spite
of these early experiences, you’ve always seemed to
have a healthy attitude about sex, like you were never uptight
about it.
No, no. It
was a way out. I definitely took it the other way. I did not
want to close it up. It was power. It was part of me that
was very alive and very, um, awesome.
I think
that’s part of why gay guys dig you. We wish we could
be sexual in the way that you are on stage.
Come on!
I’m
serious. Do you notice a lot of gay guys at your shows?
In the last
couple of albums, yes. At first, I didn’t.
Because
they’d rather blow their CD money on The Best of White
Party Volume 8. What can you do?
(Laughs) The
ones that I do get in my audience, are into it all the way.
The biggest compliments are when I see myself done by a drag
queen, which is really difficult because I’m so not
drag-queeny.
For starters,
there’s no heels.
They put on
a leather jacket and sing “Bring Me Some Water”
It’s barely being in drag.
Did you
ever go backstage afterwards and say hello?
I did once
in Chicago. He didn’t know I was there.
Did he
shit in his leather pants?
Completely.
(Laughs) He’s like, “Oh, my God!”
Do you
high-profile gals ever feel like the male half of our movement
isn’t pulling our weight? You can tell me.
No, we don’t.
People either ask me that question or they ask, “What
about the other celebrities you know that aren’t out?
Doesn’t
that make you angry?”
No. It’s
such a personal experience. There are people, straight and
gay, that don’t even want to talk about their personal
life, period. When you come out, half of your interview is
gonna be about your personal life so if you don’t like
talking about your personal life, then coming out terrifies
the hell out of you.
Speaking
of famous friends, I understand there’s an interesting
story about your background singers.
(Laughs) Well,
when we got to the song, “Heal Me,” David was
like, "You need backgrounds in the end. Why don't you
just call your friends?"
Which friends
are these?
Laura Dern
and Meg Ryan.
Who I would
guess can relate to the theme of ‘Heal Me” in
their own special ways.
(Laughs) We
feel like we're part of a club now or something. We've all
gone through this huge public change so we could all get together
and help each other. It was just a fun, good, cleansing experience.
Melissa
hits play and “Heal Me” begins.
Ain’t
it crazy?
For a moment
there, this felt just like dying
But now
I see that something inside is coming alive…
Meg and
Laura sound great. Did they work for scale?
(Laughs) It
was so funny. I was like, "Are you okay with me telling
people that it's you?" They were like, "Are you
kidding? This is one thing we want credit on."
Did they
show up in rocker outfits?
Oh no, but
it was funny. I said to David before, “I've not really
ever worked with background vocalists.” He goes, "Background
vocalists always show up a half hour late and when they come
in, they'll immediately start talking about their clothes
or their shoes." It was a joke between us. And then when
Laura and Meg got there, they were half an hour late and immediately
they start to say, "Oh, look at your coat." "Oh,
look at your coat."
Your straight
women celeb friends must feel pressure to be young, and thin
and hot in Hollywood. Do you, as a lesbian, feel that kind
of stress?
I’ve
never thought about it that way. I just think I have less
of a talent at looking good than they do. Hanging around with
the people I do hang around with, I have to find my own confidence.
Some of them can put something together and look just head
to toe ‘Pow!’ and I’m fashion impaired.
But they’re not the type of women who struggle with
their age or that they have to look beautiful. They struggle
with how beautiful they are and sort of accept it. I see the
energy that I get from people is completely different when
I hang around with someone like Meg. It’s just a whole
sort of straight male energy she picks up on. It’s a
big burden.
You seem
to have a very positive outlook on life. Do you have a dark
side?
We all do.
I struggle with my own self-image, and really feeling comfortable
in my skin. I was always attached to somebody else so it was,
“Well, the two of us together make a good thing”,
and not being comfortable in me.
The last
line of that is, “Let everyone know that I’m comin’
home again.” Is that the message that you wanted to
leave with?
Yep. That’s
the way I leave it.
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