Marcus Goldin, Screening Party’s resident Betty Crocker, serves up some helpful hints on how to challenge and delight your party guests’ taste buds.

WHY COOK WHEN YOU CAN BUY?

Well, people love it when something is homemade. It tastes better and reminds them of being a kid. So show your friends that you love them – bake. From that day forth, they'll always be happy to see you and you'll always be invited back. What’s more, creating a baked treat is both therapeutic and fun – like building an old Aurora Monster Model, but one that you can eat later.

WHAT ON EARTH DO I MAKE?

For starters, remember that everyone likes a theme. Nothing hits the G-spot while watching Cruising like biting into a huge penis-shaped Rice Krispie Treat dipped in fudge all the way up the shaft. Come to think of it, that little confection would work for Pretty Woman as well.

If a movie doesn't easily lend itself to a snack, don’t despair. Leave it to the universe. I like to stand in front of the dessert aisle of my neighborhood Pavillions and let my mind go free. Then I buy whatever I’m drawn to and I usually find it works out perfectly. You might say, "Seriously Marcus, a pineapple upside down cake for The Bodyguard?" You’re darned tootin’, and if you want to see why then read the book.

BUT WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME?

Remember, kids, homemade doesn't mean from scratch. Cooking from scratch takes forever, and, what with classic porn being re-released on DVD, there just aren't enough hours in the day. "Break 'n' Bake" cookies are always a sure thing, and, yes, it's true what they say; everyone does love Jell-O. Pat yourself on the back if you just thought that a "J-Lo mold" would go down easy during a Selena/Out of Sight double feature. You can stick anything in your J-Lo mold, but make sure to top it with Jet Puffy marshmallows. We don’t want to get shot in a nightclub, now do we?

I’VE BOUGHT MY INGREDIENTS, NOW WHAT DO I DO?

First off, give yourself plenty of time. Taylor Dayne, one of the great closet pastry chefs of our time, wrote the song, "Don't Rush Me" while preparing Cherries Jubilee for Diane Warren’s 50th birthday party. Also remember that the proper soundtrack is mandatory. One does not play a Mariah CD when making a Barbra cake. It just won't gel. Of course, as with anything and everything in life, Cher is always a safe bet.

I’M NEW TO ALL THIS COOKING STUFF. WHAT’S SOMETHING SIMPLE I CAN START OFF WITH?

Rice Krispie Treats are extremely easy and versatile and that's not necessarily a reference to the aforementioned penis-shaped Cruising treats. You can shape them RKT’s into whatever you may need – severed limbs for Jaws, for example – as long as you coat your hands in butter or margarine before starting. Sounds a little messy, but let me tell you, it's super fun. While we’re on the subject of quick and easy, let me point out that CUPCAKES ROCK! The combinations and permutations available what with different batters, frostings and decorations could make my eleventh grade pre-Calculus teacher, Mr. Calabrese, dizzy with excitement. There's a cupcake for every occasion. The ultimate glory of cupcakes is that every guest gets their own. This lends itself to fun contests, like a "Basic Instinct Vagina Cupcake Lick-athon," or the ever-popular "Who Can Suck the Filling From a Cream-Filled Cruising Butt Cake Relay?" The answer may surprise you.

THE BAKING’S DONE. NOW WHAT?

Now you must consider your presentation. This is so important. Who hasn't had their favorite finalist (from Miss Teen USA to American Idol) get the old heave-ho simply because she or he didn't present their package properly? (I miss you, RJ). Seriously. Do I go to work in a mini skirt? Or do I dress myself up in Chanel? Do I bring my cupcakes on a plain tray? Absolutely not, absolutely not. Cupcakes should be toted about in a Tupperware Cupcake Taker. The bottom holds 18 treats separately and the top has a handle for easy carrying. It's a three-way made in Hostess Heaven, with you calling all the shots. What’s more, it doubles as an oblong cake-taker; simply flip the bottom over. If you want one of your own, please get in touch with my dear friend Miss Dixie Longate at www.my.tupperware.com/dixielongate and she can set you up with one or host a party at your house. Really.

A final word about presentation. Sometimes a treat has to be unveiled at the right time to truly be effective. Don't offer up your Jell-o ala Basinger during the first two Weeks of the 9 1/2. Hold it back for a while, as you're guests are probably going to want to feed each other during that eating scene. Patience, as my mother used to say, is a virtue or perhaps a hooker's name.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE TREATS, MARCUS?

I’m so glad you asked that. Recipes are like my children. It’s hard to pick just one. That said, I do have a soft spot in my heart for my BASIC INSTINCT VAGINA CUPCAKES. You start with Devil's Food cake mix, whatever brand is on sale. (You see, I wasn't joshing when I said that you didn't have to cook from scratch). You’ll want Devil's Food because Sharon Stone as Catherine Tramell is simply satanic. Then make sure you follow orders from the box – like poor, doomed Michael Douglas does. Then, let them cool off – like he didn't. Coat the cakes with the whitest frosting that's on sale because Sharon always wraps herself in white. Then stab each of them with an icepick-shaped toothpick (a little more expensive than regular picks but you saved all that money on the sale items so you can splurge – like Sharon’s first victim Johnny Boz did). Finally, use some red decorating gel and carefully draw labia on each cake. Then when Sharon flashes her wares during the flick, lick away. Simple and fun. These steps can also be followed for any vagina-heavy movie like Pretty Woman or The Sound of Music, or vagina-light movie, like St. Elmo’s Fire, in which Demi Moore inadvertently serves up a momentary flash ‘o vulva.

Another particularly inspired creation was my CREAM-FILLED BUTT CAKES. Choose your cake batter depending, again on what’s on sale, and on what color ass you enjoy. Bake according to directions and a few minutes before they are done, take a knife and slice through just the top of each cake to form your cheeks. Using some vanilla frosting in a bakers bag (or some other type of inseminating device, I make no judgment) fill each cake until the cream rises out of the top. This technique may take some time to master (told you to give yourself time) and you may need to make an extra batch to practice on but, trust me, it's more than worth it. During any scene in any movie you feel is right for munching (Jaye Davidson reveals what he's packing in The Crying Game; the police talk about the murderer’s spermless semen in Cruising; any appearance of Helen Hunt), grab your cake, then suck and lick that thick white goo out of that luscious muffin. Don't be afraid to get it on your face and take Polaroids. That's all part of the fun.

A PARTING SHOT FROM MARCUS…

I’ve always considered great desserts to be a lot like great sex; it's best when you are creative and adventurous – when you share and enjoy without guilt. On the other hand, I also believe that great desserts are like great friends. They're sweet; you anticipate their presence; thinking about them makes you happy and you love every moment you have with them.

Bon appetit.